#i'm enjoying myself immensely and also suffering

[planerider-ryn]

Benefits of playing a game with a friend: chatting, having a nice time, bouncing ideas around on harder levels, doing funny voices

Issues of playing a game with a friend: I'm hyperfixating HARD and I cannot play it because he has class and I finished all the bonus levels already :(

[ccsainzleclerc5516]

You Made A Mess Of Me

Pairing: Lewis Hamilton x reader

Warnings: mentions of sexual activities, angst, but happy ending. I actually love this sm I'm in my Lewis era and I can't stop myself

The penultimate weekend in June meant only one thing, the Spanish GP. You've been thinking for days whether you should go, after all, too much time has passed since the last time.

You knew that your coming there would cause a huge public reaction and that some people might not be happy to see you, but you couldn't resist. Your curiosity was stronger than you and something you could never fight against.

The last time you attended the GP, you were in a slightly different role than you were now, some would say more important role. That was 2 years ago when you were reputed to be the most popular wag in the paddock. Lewis Hamilton's girlfriend. His greatest support and the woman who he dedicated every victory to.

To Lewis, you were the woman he loved more than life, his everything and more. He proudly presented you to everyone, always mentioned you in interviews, saying that you were his strength and motivation for all his success. When you couldn't attend his races, he was always in a hurry to come back to you, holding you like a drop of water in the palm of his hand.

His love for you could not be described in words. You were the "it couple". Lewis made it well known to everyone that you were his. He really was madly in love with you.

You loved him too. He taught you what love means, he taught you how to love, showed you what love really is. You felt safe next to him and you knew that with him you had everything a woman could want. When you cheered him on at the races, you were the loudest, his most faithful cheerleader who experienced every victory and every defeat together with him.

Everything was perfect until one day when Lewis started hinting that he wanted to take your relationship one step further. Given that you were 25 at the time and he was 37, you knew that he was at the age when he wanted a family and children and he let you know that he wanted that with you.

You panicked, inexplicable anxiety gripped you, you weren't ready to "grow up" completely. You loved him very much, but you also loved yourself and that's why you didn't wanna settle for something you weren't ready for.

You felt that you still wanted to develop yourself as a person before marrying someone, you still wanted to travel with your friends, have fun, enjoy life and youth. You knew you didn't want marriage then, but you also didn't want to make Lewis wait for you and suffer in some way. You wanted him to be happy and achieve everything he wanted, even if it wasn't with you.

And so your perfect three-year relationship came to an end. You moved to Spain, disappeared from Lewis's life overnight and he never heard from you again. Despite his best efforts to reach you and find you, he couldn't. You left him completely heartbroken, desperate, lost, he just wasn't the man he used to be. His world has changed since you left his life.

Later, all the pain and hurt he carried inside him turned into immense anger and rage towards you. You even thought he started to hate you. You knew about it because you heard that in one interview he said, when he was asked about y/n, that that name no longer exists for him.

That's why now that you were invited by Tommy Hilfiger as a special guest to the Spanish GP, you doubted whether it was wise to go.

You didn't really care about the public's reaction, but you were a little afraid of Lewis's reaction. You were afraid to see the contempt in his eyes for you. But still, above all, you were a determined, smart and self-confident girl who knew her values ​​and knew what she wanted. And that's why you accepted the invitation.

Everyone's jaws dropped to the floor when you stepped into the paddock wearing black sunglasses in a tight strapless black dress that perfectly accentuated your curves. You caught everyone's eyes.

As well as the eyes of a man who could not forget you.

"Lewis, I don't wanna upset you before the race, but..she's here." Bono said quietly.

"Who is here?" He asked cluelessly with furrowed eyebrows.

"I-I.." Bono stammered.

"Bono, who is here?"

"Y/n..She's in George's garage."

Lewis froze. His heart dropped and legs buckled when Bono said your name. He thought someone was playing a joke on him, so after a minute of standing still without blinking and the initial shock, he had to go see for himself what he heard.

"Lewis, I don't think it's a good idea to-" Bono tried to stop him, but there was no point in trying to do that. Lewis didn't think for a second, he just sprinted towards his teammate's garage, his racing suit half unbuttoned hanging behind him. He had to see you with his own eyes to believe that you were actually there.

The moment he ran into the garage and saw you there, at first he couldn't believe his eyes, but when you took off your glasses and looked at him, everything came back to him in a second, all the memories, but also the anger.

Your legs went numb as well, your heart fluttered, but you didn't dare to approach him or say anything. The whole room fell silent as the two of you looked at each other. Everyone knew about the two of you and there was an awkward silence that was broken by Lewis himself when he left after half a minute of standing still.

It was minutes before Lewis was supposed to get into the car and he barely recovered from seeing you. He couldn't think straight, and the race was about to start. You here, was the last thing he needed.

At first he couldn't focus, all he thought about was you, but somehow he managed to shift his thoughts to the anger and rage he felt towards you and it woke up that beast in him that he was on the track and after a long long time Lewis finished as the winner of the race. And all thanks to you, although not because he was happy that you were there, but because he decided to take out his anger on the track.

You followed the race with folded hands hoping for the best result from Lewis and when you saw that he finished P1, you didn't show it too much, but there was no an end to your happiness. Your eyes watered and you proudly watched him celebrate. For a moment everything was like before, only in reality, nothing was like before.

In the evening you decided to go out with your friends and of course there were also F1 drivers in that same club, among them Lewis of course, who were celebrating his victory.

You wanted to, but you didn't approach him. You decided to have fun with your friends, you danced and basically acted like he wasn't even there even though you could feel his eyes on you the whole night following who was around you. And since this was Lewis' night he had too much to drink and decided to approach you himself the first moment he saw you headed for the toilet.

Before you stepped into the toilet, you felt a strong grip on your arm pulling you out. You turned around only to see Lewis' bloodshot eyes staring at you.

"Lewis? W-what are you doing?" You stammered.

"You better go outside with me if you don't want me to make a scene here in front of everyone." He said sternly through clenched teeth and that's why you decided not to resist. Attracting bad attention was the last thing you needed.

Of course all eyes were on the two of you as Lewis dragged you out of the club, you just couldn't avoid it. Once you stepped out he took you to the place behind the club where there were the fewest people.

"Did you come today to mess with my head or what?" He spat out.

"I was there on business, not because I wanted to" You half lied.

"Please" He scoffed. "How dare you show up after two years and just before the start of the race? How dare you play with my head like that?" He asked what you were most afraid of before coming.

You gulped before starting a sentence, but he cut you off "I-"

"You fucking put me through hell and back when you left and then one day you just decided to come as a guest out of nowhere?"

"Lewis, I-"

"And then you went out knowing that I'll be there, and you decide to dance and have fun with other guys in front of me as if I wasn't there? You have no fucking shame!" He growled. You understood his anger and it hurt you, it almost made you cry, but you knew this was the alcohol in his system talking.

"As far as I remember, we have not been together for two years" You say fighting to keep your voice from cracking.

"Oh yeah, and about that. Do you feel good knowing that you killed me when you left?" He asks. "You fucking disappeared for your own selfish reasons. Do you know what you did to me when you left my life? You fucking ruined me, y/n!" He screamed in your face and it hurt like hell. "How could you do that to me? I was ready to give you everything, I would've taken the stars out of the sky if you had asked me to, and you did what? You fucking left!"

"I am very well aware of what I did and why. You have no idea how hard it was for me to make that decision, but I wasn't ready to give you what you wanted."

"Yeah, you weren't ready because you still wanted to fuck other guys right?" He insulted, but you couldn't let him talk like that about you because that was far from the truth.

"Don't talk to me like that!" You threatened.

"And why not? Because the truth hurts you? Do you even realize that you were everything to me? I was ready to give it all for you, fuck, I lived for you, y/n! We had a perfect relationship, the kind of that many dreamed of and you ruined it all!"

"I knew what you wanted and I wasn't ready to give you that, Lewis! I was too young and I didn't want to make you wait because I saw in your eyes how much you wanted it!" You couldn't take it anymore. You broke into tears right in front of him. "I didn't leave because I stopped loving you, but quite the opposite because I loved you too much to deny you what you want"

"But I wanted it with you, fuck!!" He screamed clutching his head. "If you weren't ready then, I would have waited for you because I didn't want a family with anyone but you! But you didn't even let me explain it to you because you disappeared from the face of the earth!" He spoke breathlessly.

"I'm sorry..I don't know what else to tell you. Hurting you was the worst thing I could do, I realize that." You cried.

He stepped closer to you and put his cupped your cheeks. "I fucking lived for you, y/n, and you made me a mess of a man" He almost sobbed.

"I suffered too, don't think I didn't. Leaving you was the hardest decision I ever had to make."

"And yet you still did. Getting over you was by far the hardest thing ever. I'm Lewis fucking Hamilton. It's not in my mentality to break down over someone that much and let it completely take over my life and yet you managed to do that to me" He allowed his emotions to overwhelm him and now he was crying too while leaning his forehead against yours. "Please, leave. I don't ever wanna see you again."

His words broke you all over again although you could've expected it, somehow you hoped it wouldn't come to that. He released you from his grip, wiped his tears, composed himself and walked back to the club leaving you outside completely broken and in tears.

You had no choice but to go to the hotel where you were staying at. You didn't feel like having fun or anything anymore, you just wanted to get away from everything and cry your heart out in the silence of your room.

You cried quietly in the taxi all the way to the hotel then you continued in your room. It was already 3 in the morning when you found the strength to take off your makeup and lie down in bed.

All you could think about was did you really make such a mistake by leaving Lewis? You knew you hurt him, but you had no idea to what extent. You lay down in bed and prayed to God to take all your pain away because it was unbearable. The fact that it was your fault hurt even more.

After you left and Lewis returned to the club, he continued to drink and think of you. He knew you left crying and despite everything you did, knowing you were in pain made him hurt even more.

Lewis being Lewis, he found his sources and forced them to tell him which hotel you were staying at. He couldn't help himself, he needed to see you. After all, you were the love of his life. He knew there was no one else for him except for you and that's why he headed towards your hotel and after many threats at the reception he finally got your room number.

You weren't sleeping, you were lying and looking at the ceiling when you heard knocking on your door. At first you were scared, but approached the door anyway asking who it was.

"It's me. Open the door." Lewis said leaning his forehead against the door.

You opened the door not expecting him at all. You couldn't believe he was right there in front of you. You didn't know how he got to you, but at that moment you didn't even care. All you cared about was that he was there.

"Lewis?" You asked quietly as you opened the door. "What are you doing here?"

"To be completely honest, I have no fucking idea." He spoke. "I knew you left crying, and even though you didn't deserve it, I couldn't take it." He stepped in closing the door behind him. You smiled softly through your tears and he moved closer until your back touched the wall behind you.

"I'm here because I still can't wrap my head around the fact that you're not mine" He said.

"If only you knew how much I'm still yours, Lewis"

"Well, unfortunately I don't know, because you haven't done anything for two years to show me that" He slurred putting your cheeks between his hands once again. "But I do know that you're gonna be the death of me" You squeezed your eyes shut at his words.

"Tell me if you have ever found someone who loved you more than me?" He asked.

"I haven't.." There was no point in lying to him. "I wasn't even looking for someone"

"Yeah you didn't and you know why? Because that's not fucking possible." He stated. "Nor have I found anyone who made me feel the things I felt with you. Remember how I always used to hold you close to me while I was fucking you? How I made you look me in the eyes when you were about to cum? How I used to hug your shaking body and press my head against your chest to feel your heartbeat? Do you?"

"I do." You nodded squeezing your thighs a little. Even though you were hurting you couldn't help but get turned on by the things he was saying. Your relationship was full of passion and the sex was the best you ever had. You missed it, you have to admit.

"I can't even call it fucking because I was making love to you." His lips were only inches away from yours and all your attention was focused on them. Your eyes begged him to kiss you.

"I thought I was over you and I could live without you, but then you came back into my life and you messed with my mind once again. You can't do that shit anymore, y/n" He said moving his hands from your face down to your hips tightly gripping them.

"You don't have to live without me anymore because I swear I'm ready to give you everything I couldn't before." You say wrapping your arms around his neck. "I was so wrong, Lew. I miss you. I miss your touch, I miss what we had"

He didn't say anything but finally connected his lips with yours. He kissed you so passionately, so eagerly it brought life back to both of you. He gripped your butt and made you jump up wrapping your arms around his torso. Without breaking the kiss he led you towards the bed gently lying you down, him being on top of you.

"Please, don't make me regret this" He said exhaling in short breaths.

"I'm yours, baby. I've always been." You said breathlessly. "It’s just the two of us I promise..”

[listentoace]

How to stop (Feederism Help)

I've been messaged by lots of people now who are into feederism and are really turned on by imagining how they grow absolutely huge, but they don't truly want to commit to the feederism/piggy lifestyle. In case that applies to you, let me offer you some help.

It is quite difficult to learn to resist such a strong fetish, but there are ways how it can be accomplished. From my own experience, a few days of uncomfortable overindulgence will usually be enough to break the illusion of "comfortably eating, enjoying endless amounts of food, being pampered, and growing huge". But to understand this, you need to really experience the suffering, struggles, pain, and discomfort of having gone too far. So here is what you'll do:

Either measure or estimate your usual caloric intake on a day of indulgence or stuffing.

Take at least triple this amount, depending on how much you want to suffer you can go as far as 5 times.

Consume this amount of calories for at least 3 days, literally forcing it down your own throat

You are free to use any foods and beverages to reach your calorie goal. It is important that you choose items that you can easily eat a lot of. Don't think you should suck down a stick of butter because of the caloric density as your stomach will get upset right after (or probably during) and you'll have to stop far before you're actually at your limit of fullness.

When you know you should stop

Once you're having the "How did I get here?", "What the hell am I doing to myself?", and "I just wanna die..." thoughts, you know that you've passed your breaking point. This is when you've made the experience of the immense suffering feederism can lead to and this memory will help you to resist falling into a cycle where you're growing uncontrollably. Instead, you will be more capable to reach a weight you're comfortable with yourself, stay there and really know for yourself that this is where you want to be.

Yes, I'm for once giving advice that isn't meant to make you as fat as possible but rather as fat as you want to be yourself. What a time to be alive!

Some more info

If you're truly scared by losing control to feederism, you should 100% do this to build aversion. You don't have to worry about weight gain as your body isn't adjusted to this amount of calories and will actually start burning more due to the immense surplus. Your maximum weight gain after 3 days should be no more than 2 pounds. Keep in mind that you will weigh in a lot heavier because your stomach is full and you'll probably retain a lot of water. To make sure, weigh yourself before starting and then 7 days after.

Feederism is strongly tied to habits. We call bad habits "addictions" as well, the neurological patterns are either very similar or literally exactly the same, based on the type of habit and addiction. It's always a cycle of cue, action, and reward which turns into craving, action, reward. The longer you stay in this cycle of uncertainty, occasionally stuffing yourself and indulging, then feeling guilty, the more likely you're about to end up with feederism as a habit/addiction. This is because the feeling of guilt occurs far after the consumption of food and is much weaker than the pleasure you feel while stuffing. Additionally, guilt often occurs when you notice or expect weight gain. It is not directly tied to the act of overeating. It's because of this that you keep doing it again. Overstuffing like described above will lead to an immediate negative feeling which will be quite strong and is then directly related to overeating.

Feel free to consume encouraging content while doing this. The further you can push yourself, the more aversion you'll built, which will help you regulate your feederism tendencies.

Also, after having done this, you might start to think "It wasn't that bad" after a while. This doesn't have to happen but it can be the case. You can repeat this as many times as necessary. This depends fully on how strong the kink and cravings are for you. It is actually better to directly do this instead of sneaking in snacks and comfort food again if you're not looking to gain any more weight. Your metabolism will rise quickly with an immediate surplus, but it'll actually adjust and slow down again with occasional, smaller stuffings and snacks.

If you have further questions, please use the consider using the comments instead of my DMs so others get the info as well! I hope this helps! :)

[lilyevanstan1325]

❤️ Built For This World ❤️

Chapter 9

My head hurts like a bitch.

My breath rises laboriously down my throat, coming out in trembling sighs from my ajar mouth.

I've been locked in Dale's RV for hours now and I don't plan on going anywhere, not until I'm sure Carol is okay.

Just as I am certain that my friend will never be okay again.

Never again.

A deafening silence surrounds us.

With my arms folded over the small table and my head resting on them I cast yet another worried glance in Daryl's direction.

The man is sitting on the sink counter, right next to the vehicle door.

Our eyes meet for a fraction of a second then he drops his gaze on the rifle he still holds in his arms.

We've been going like this for hours.

It's as if he feels guilty and can't keep his gaze on me, it's as if he fears seeing the disappointment in my eyes towards him because he feels personally responsible for what happened to Sophia.

I can see the anger and the pain eating him up from inside.

Even if only partially, I understand what he is feeling.

Daryl poured his heart into this research and now he feels like all this failure falls on his shoulders.

Sophia's death was a heavy blow for everyone.

Carol continues to sob and with each sob my heart breaks more and more.

Out the window I can see the others at work.

Some are digging holes while the others are moving the bodies.

I bury my face in my crossed arms again.

Old pains inside me seem to awaken, making my guts twist in a painful way.

It's as if in a fraction of a second, in the infinitesimal time that that damned bullet ended Sophia's life, all my demons resurrected from the dark place of my heart where I had buried them.

Even though I didn't have the time to get to know and love that little girl, I feel like I've lost someone important again.

Her death broke another small portion of my heart.

Nothing will be the same.

Carol will never be the same again.

Daryl will never be the same again.

And I know how selfish it is of me to worry about something like this but her death will inevitably change my relationship with these two people.

I feel like I've lost a mother for the second time.

A soft whistle makes me lift my head.

Daryl is looking at me intensely, in his eyes a concern that goes beyond human comprehension, in his eyes there is perhaps too much pain for a single soul.

“Ya good?” he whispers, his voice hoarse, speaking to me for the first time since he joined Carol and me in this RV.

I shrug weakly before immediately returning my attention to the woman in front of me.

Carol sitting on the bed and looking out the window doesn't even seem to notice our presence.

Her gaze is fixed and absent as if her mind is light years away.

And I feel fucking helpless.

Helpless in this such immense pain.

I think back to my mom, I think back to the day I had to say goodbye to her.

The knowledge that I will never see her smile again, that my ears will never again be able to enjoy her sweet laughter, hits me with such violence that it makes me breathless.

I think back to the last time I saw my father, I think back to the fact that I couldn't say goodbye to him...

A wave of tears gathers in my eyes forcing me to hide my face in my arms again.

Trying to hide the sobs shaking my chest, I bite my tongue until it bleeds.

A hand brushes my shoulder and then a strong arm wraps around them and I find myself with my face pressed against the archer's chest.

“Shhhhh.Everythin’ will be fine, sunshine” Daryl whispers in my ear, trying to gently silence my crying.

I feel terribly guilty.

What right do I have to cry?

Who gives me the right to suffer when in front of me I have a woman who has lost her little girl?

I feel like a monster and this only makes my sobs increase.

I try to suffocate them forcefully by burying my face in the man's chest and crumpling the fabric of his shirt between my fingers.

“Hey” he murmurs in a faint strangled voice, also wrapping his other arm around me, drawing me towards his body and taking me into his arms, he makes me sit on his lap.

I'm sorry to make him worry about me too but I can't help but feel happy for his closeness at this moment.

I should be stronger and be the one ready to console but in this moment all I can offer to Carol is just my presence, I can't do more.

I finally look up at Daryl's face who, despite being destroyed by pain, gives me a small smile, just a corner of his lips raised.

“Hey” he repeats cupping my face in his big hands.

“It will be fine.Now we have to be strong, alrigh’?”

I nod imperceptibly before his lips caress mine with such sweetness that it makes me tremble.

A light knock on the door makes us jump while Carol on the other hand doesn't even seem to notice.

After a few moments the door of the RV opens and Lori steps in.

The woman looks exhausted, her swollen and red eyes rest on me for a moment.

She doesn't seem surprised by my closeness to Daryl as she sketches a shy, tired smile in our direction after which she lets out a shaky breath as she lowers her gaze.

“They're ready.Come on” she exhales as if these few simple words had drained her of all energy.

I know what her words mean.

And God only knows how much they hurt.

My attention immediately shifts to Carol.

The woman shakes her head slightly without moving her tormented gaze from the window.

“Why?” she whispers.

Her voice brims with resignation.

Daryl beneath me shifts slightly, tightening his grip on me.

“’Cause that's yer little girl” he replies softly as his worry-filled eyes move to the woman.

Finally Carol's gaze turns towards us and the harshness I see within them scares me.

“That's not my little girl.That's some other…thing” she says, choking on her own words.

Then she lowers her gaze again, looking back at the field outside the RV.

For a moment no one speaks, perhaps too shocked by the cynicism of her words.

I can't understand her.

I didn't see my mother turn into one of those monstrous beings but I'm sure that even if it had happened, I would have wanted to witness her burial.

I would still have given her a last final goodbye.

“My Sophia…” Carol whispers in a breathy voice.

“My Sophia was alone in the woods.All this time I thought…” her words are just a quiet murmur as she fights her own tears.

“She didn't cry herself to sleep.She didn't go hungry.She didn't try to find her way back.Sophia died a long time ago”

I can feel Daryl tense up.

The resigned words of our friend crumbled the man's last bit of self-control.

I can feel the anger, the anger at not being able to find Sophia in time, boiling under his skin and crashing in waves all around him.

Lori, head bowed, steps back out of the RV.

I need to do something so without thinking twice I get up from my little safe haven and join Carol with a couple of determined, almost furious strides.

The man's determined footsteps sound behind me but when I turn around he is no longer there.

All this is definitely too much for him and, rather than bursting out and threw up all his disappointment, he has decided that it is better to let it go.

I stand in front of the woman, my hands resting on my hips and a thousand words that continue to boil into my head.

I breathe in and out slowly trying to calm my heartbeat.

“Carol, you can't be serious” I begin, trying to keep my emotions in check.

Now it's not about me but about her.

And I care enough about her to stop her from doing something I'm sure she'll regret in the future.

The woman doesn't even look at me, her stubborn gaze far from mine.

She shrugs as if to tell me who cares.

Softening my gaze and my posture I sit on the bed next to her tapping my knee on hers.

Slowly and with a sigh she turns in my direction, her large shining eyes making my stomach tighten in a vice.

I don't think I've ever seen so much pain reflected in the eyes of another human being.

Losing someone you love is always painful but losing a daughter...

I don't think there is a greater pain.

No one should ever feel such sorrow.

I lost my mom, my dad, my life...yet I survived.

Yet I still fight.

But Sophia…she was her flesh and blood.

Every breath she takes hurts right now and will do so for every single day she lives.

Even though she will be surrounded by people who love her she will never love anyone else like she loved her sweet little girl.

And it is precisely for this reason that Carol must give her a final goodbye.

“Carol I won't pretend to understand how you feel right now, really.But you have to do it.You have to get out of here and say goodbye to your little girl”

The woman shakes her head, a few tears escape her control sliding down her cheeks.

“Listen to me.That may not be your little girl out there but her spirit is still here.Give her the peace she deserves.Sophia deserves to rest in peace and she will never be able to do so if her mom doesn't let her go”

The words get stuck in my throat but I continue undaunted, even ignoring the woman's sobs which slowly grow in intensity.

I grab her hands and squeeze them in mine.

“You're not alone, Carol.You have Daryl.You have Rick.And Dale, and Lori, and Glenn.We are all here for you.I'm here for you.You have me”

I lift her hands still clasped in mine to kiss her knuckles softly and stop fighting my own tears.

“I am here.I know that nothing will ever fill that void but I'm here.Maybe you don't even care but if you give up...I need you Carol.If you don't say goodbye to your sweet little girl today you will lose yourself...I will lose you”

A sob shakes both of our chests at the same time.

I sniffle, wiping my tears against my own shoulder.

“If it wasn't for you maybe I would still be tied up in that stable or Shane would have already broken my neck.You are all I have left.Please Carol…I've already lost my mom…I can't lose you too”

I know it's sound so fucking selfish.

I know I should think of her best.

But…but I've already lost so much that I don't know if I could get through this too.

By now we are both crying without any restraint.

Both heartbroken but for two completely opposite reasons.

Then through tears and pain Carol nods.

I smile at her weakly through tears.

“I will be with you, step by step.I'll stick so close to your ass that you'll end up hating me.But you will never be alone.Never” I tell her, drawing a light laugh from her which is immediately suffocated by yet another sob from her.

I let go of her hands so I can hug her.

I hold her head against my chest, stroking her hair.

Carol presses her face against me and I let her vent, welcoming all her tears, all her pain, hoping to make it a little mine and lighten this painful load on her soul.

When we arrive near the trees where the holes were dug for Sophia and Hersel's family, there is no one left.

Hesitant Carol approaches the smaller mound of earth, kneeling in front of it.

Without disturbing her, I kneel next to her, stroking her back in a reassuring manner.

Carol lowers her head, sinking her hands into the freshly loose dirt, crying all her tears, giving vent to all her pain.

“It's okay, honey.It's okay” I try to reassure her when the tears seem to take her breath away.

Footsteps come from behind us.

Daryl clears his throat before dropping to one knee alongside Carol.

In his hands he holds a small bouquet of Cherokee roses.

I smile at his sweet gesture.

“Do ya want…��

Carol shakes her head vigorously, interrupting the man.

“Would you do it for me?” she croaks in response.

Daryl doesn't have to be told twice and, standing up, places the flowers on little Sophia's grave with unprecedented delicacy.

When he stands up, his gaze rests on my face for a moment and then immediately lowers it and turns his back on us.

Even though the contact between our eyes was brief, I managed to catch the glimmer of his tears.

Making sure Carol is okay, I get up, brushing the dirt off my knees with my hands and with a hesitant step I approach the man's back, placing a hand on it.

Daryl gasps violently without turning so determined to respect his wishes I don't look for his gaze.

I just hug him from behind, intertwining my fingers on his abdomen.

His chest rises and falls rapidly.

He is crying.

And for the umpteenth time today my heart breaks.

I rest my cheek on his back trying to offer him the only thing I have at the moment.

My love.

Because yes, it may be crazy, but I feel like I feel something for this man that goes far beyond the simple attraction.

Because, surrounded by all this pain, I understood that if I had been the one to lose him, I wouldn't have tolerated it.

Today with the discovery of Sophia's now dead body I clearly understood that I cannot lose him.

“I'm here, big boy.I'm here" I whisper kissing him between his shoulder blades.

In response, his calloused fingers intertwine with mine and his breathing slowly slows, his body relaxes.

Daryl Dixon is all I have and I will always protect him.

I will forever protect his pure and tortured soul.

Behind us, a rustle of clothes followed by a timid voice brings us back to the present.

I slowly release my hands from the archer's and focus on Carol again.

A sad smile flits across her face as she stretches her arms in my direction.

Without having to tell me anything I give her what her eyes are asking me.

I hug her and even though I'm shorter than her I welcome her head against my chest.

Her arms envelop me while her voice, made hoarse by her tears, murmurs a small thank you.

Carol raises her head and waving a hand behind me she whispers “Come here, pookie”

After a few moments, Daryl's chest is pressed against my back.

All three held in one embrace.

All together as a family.

Because now we are a family.

We may not be connected by blood but something much stronger unites us.

We chose each other and we will protect each other as long as we have breath in our bodies.

After making sure Carol was okay, I begged Daryl to never leave her side and to come find me if there were any problems.

“Hey, I can handle her.Go” murmurs the archer, squeezing my upper arm with his hand and after kissing my forehead he moves away and sits a few steps away from Carol who is kneeling again in front of her daughter's tomb.

I really want to stay here and not leave her but I need to go check on Rick.

The desperation painted in his eyes after he pulled the trigger haunts a part of my brain.

His lost gaze wandering aimlessly as it fell on every person gathered around him is seared into my mind.

With a determined step I head towards Hersel's big house.

When my feet touch the first steps of the porch I feel a shiver shake me.

The house seems quiet when I walk through the door so looking around I head towards the kitchen but halfway I bump into a figure who quickly tries to reach the back door.

���Ouch” I hiss, running my hand over the bandage over my eyebrow as Glenn wraps a hand around his nose, his eyes bright from the impact.

“Where are you going in such a hurry, buddy?” I peep, pressing my fingers over the white gauze, underneath I can feel the slight pulsation from the stitches.

Glenn moves his hand away from his face, sniffing.

“Sorry Sum.I'm catching up with Rick.We're going to look for Hersel” he replies, trying to dodge me to reach the door.

I follow him, following his every step.

Hersel?

Why?

What happened?

“Glenn!” I get his attention by grabbing his hand.

The boy stops his run, finally resting his eyes on me.

“Beth seems to be in shock and we can't find Hersel anywhere.Rick and I are going to the bar downtown to look for him”

I nod once.

“I'll come with you” I offer immediately.

Even though a big part of me is screaming at me to stay here, to protect Carol, to stay by Daryl's side, I know I can't do it.

A little voice in my head keeps telling me that right now I'm an outsider and that I can't intrude on these people's pain so any distraction is welcomed.

And looking for the vet, being able to move away from here, seems to me to be the most suitable solution.

Glenn shakes his head as he grabs a rifle from on top of an old coffee table.

Before he can argue I place the flat palm of my hand against his mouth.

“I'm not asking your permission” I wink and, watching him while he snorts resignedly, I follow him through the back door.

Once outside we find Maggie leaning with her back to the wall and her arms crossed in front of her chest.

Smiling at her I leave them alone as I approach Rick.

The former officer doesn't even look at me but I can see a corner of his lips lifting into a sly smile.

“I bet you'll join us” he murmurs with a nod towards the car.

“Obviously.In fact, I'm offended that you didn't come looking for me.Do you really think I would have let you go alone?” I reply in a light but serious tone, giving him a playful shove.

Rick chuckles under his breath.

“Do you have a weapon?”

“I have my knife”

“Take this” he replies handing me a gun which I accept without replying.

I know that the use of guns must be strictly necessary due to the noise but nowadays it is better not to be caught unprepared.

“Does Daryl know?”

His question catches me off guard, making my gaze move from the weapon I hold in my hands to his face.

His clear blue eyes are focused behind me.

“He's not my fucking nanny” I huff, following the direction of his gaze.

My lips curve upwards.

“They're cute, aren't they?” I chuckle, returning my attention to the man next to me.

Rick smiles and then directs his glittering gaze of mischievous into mine.

“Yeah.You and Daryl are cute too.This is why you have to tell him where you're going because I don't want to catch an arrow up my ass”

I blush at his statement but intending not to show it I put on a cooky smile.

“Your ass is safe, cop.Let's go” I urge him, getting into the car while Glenn joins us with his shoulders down.

Rick sits in the driving seat while Glenn sits next to him, I sit in the center of the back seat so I can have a good view of the road and the men in front of me.

The journey proceeds in silence.

None of us speak perhaps too lost in our mental ruminations.

Too many things happened today and all too quickly.

Shane lost his mind.

We have all lost it.

Heavy words were flown and after all this I don't know if the group will ever go back to how it used to be.

Glenn continues to fidget on his spot.

Rick sends me worried looks through the rearview mirror, looks to which I respond with constant shrugs.

I honestly can't understand what's going on in my friend's head at the moment.

When the outlines of the buildings in the city appear on the horizon Glenn breaks the silence that surrounds us.

“Maggie said she loves me” he suddenly blurts out, turning his gaze towards Rick.

I smile radiantly.

“That’s great, Glenn” I laugh, leaning forward and placing a hand on his shoulder.

Glenn looks back at me but his face is serious.

Too serious.

Wait.

“That's a good thing, right?” I ask now unsure.

I certainly didn't expect such a detached reaction from the delivery guy.

If I had been in his place, if Daryl had said he loved me, I think I would have jumped out of my own skin.

The thought makes me blush and I chew my lower lip.

Glenn lets out a nervous laugh.

“She doesn't mean It.I mean she doesn't.I mean…well…she…she's upset or confused.She’s probably feeling like…” he exclaims, speaking hurriedly, the stuttered words rolling off his lips quickly.

“I think she's smart enough to know what she's feeling” Rick interrupts, eliciting a confident shake of the head from Glenn.

“No, no!”

Rick and I smile amused by his reaction.

“No it does not.You know what?She wants to be in love, so she's…she needs something to…to, like…to hold onto” continues the boy undaunted.

I can understand him.

Nowadays, becoming so attached to someone, even falling in love, is always a big risk.

We may never live long enough or even worse we may helplessly witness the death of those we love.

I understand why he tries to push away her feelings.

After all, how long has he known Maggie?

He knows her just a few days longer than I know Daryl.

I understand how the magnitude of such a huge, sudden feeling can catch you off guard.

But that doesn't mean it's right to reject it, on the contrary we must live it as much as we can because if Sophia's death has taught us anything it is that nothing lasts forever anymore.

Then it's best to bask in what little love we have left in the little time we have left.

“Glenn, it's pretty obvious to everyone Maggie loves you.For everyone except you of course, you stupid hassole.And not just because you're one of the last men standing” I encourage him, resting my chin on the seat where he sits.

Rick nods as if he agrees with every single word I say.

“I mean what's the problem?” I add softly.

Glenn looks out the window as if he's trying to coax the right words into his confused head.

“I didn't say it back”

“Shit” Rick and I exclaim at the same time.

I rise from my position to rest my back against the soft leather seat crossing my arms over my chest.

“Oh man.You fucked up” I tease him by pushing the sole of my boot against his seat.

“Hey!” he exclaims, turning his torso in my direction.

“I was nervous, okay?I've never had a woman say that to me before.You know, except for my mom, of course, and my sisters.But with Maggie, it's different.We barely know each other.What…what does she really know about me?Nothing!We're practically strangers”

The words slip out of my mouth before I can realize it.

“So?Even I barely know Daryl but I love him anyway”

When my words hit my own ears I curse myself.

I look down at my crossed arms chewing my cheeks nervously.

Why the hell did I say that?

God, I wish right now a chasm would open up under my stupid ass and swallow me.

A loud laugh resonates in the cockpit making me blush even more, I can feel my blood rushing through my veins violently.

I risk a look in front of me, finding Glenn's sly smile and Rick's bright and attentive eyes staring at me from the rearview mirror.

“Not a word, dumbass” I mutter, making both of us laugh this time.

Rick shakes his head with an amused expression and then turns his attention to the man sitting next to him.

“Listen to me, Glenn.This is a good thing, something we don't get enough of these days.Enjoy it.And when we get back, return the favor.It's not like she's going anywhere.And…”

I can feel Rick's smile as he turns his head ever so slightly in my direction.

“Same goes for you Summer.Tell Daryl how you feel”

Determined to ignore him I refuse to meet his gaze, he's too amused for my tastes.

“We're not talking about me.Keeps driving, sheriff” I murmur with an angry frown as the man slows down, having now reached the center of the city.

I don't like this attention towards me.

After a few minutes Rick pulls over the car and looking around, making sure the road is clear of dangers, we get out of the car and go into the bar that Maggie had suggested.

The room is dark and dusty.

Under my feet the dark wooden floor, matching the chairs and tables, creaks.

Rick proceeds slowly and Glenn, after a final glance towards the street, closes the door behind us.

Hersel is sitting on a stool right in front of us, his back to us while his arms are resting on the counter, in his hands he seems to be holding a glass full of an amber liquid.

After everything that's happened, I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't like a drop too.

“Hersel?” Rick calls him cautiously.

The man doesn't flinch, he doesn't move.

He doesn't seem at all surprised by our presence.

“Who's with you?” the man asks without turning.

His voice barely holds back the agonizing pain.

For him we are only the murderers of his family, we are the people who turned his peaceful life upside down.

“Summer.And Glenn” replies the former officer remaining still.

“Did Maggie send them?”

“They volunteered.They're worried”

Glenn and I exchange a look, leaving Rick to resolve the matter.

Slowly Rick approaches.

I grab Glenn's hand and indicate with a nod to one of the tables, the furthest from the two men but the closest to the windows at the entrance, so as to be able to leave the right amount of privacy to the two men but close enough to keep an eye on the situation outside.

Rick and Hersel's words are just a low murmur so I take the opportunity to talk to Glenn.

“Hey!What happened after…” I don't finish my sentence, Glenn knows what I'm referring to.

What happened after Rick shot Sophia.

Glenn glances at the counter and then brings his big dark eyes back to me.

With a slow movement he places the rifle on the table, running his hands through his hair.

“Shane accused Hersel of knowing that Sophia was in the barn and now he wants us out of his land”

“Shit”

“Yeah, shit”

“And you?What do you think you will do?” I ask even though deep down I already know the answer.

“What do you mean?" he whispers in response, avoiding my gaze.

One corner of my lips lifts.

I gently place a hand on that of the boy in front of me.

“You know what I'm talking about”

Glenn shakes his head, removing his hand from my grip and crossing his arms over his chest.

I can feel the confusion in his mind from here.

“I honestly don't know”

“Are you sure?”

“Maggie will never leave her family”

“I know”

“And I can't leave mine” Glenn sighs heartbroken, finally deciding to bring his frightened and lost gaze back into mine.

“Glenn, we are not your family”

I immediately stop him with a wave of my hand when I see his gaze darken, offended by my words.

“I don't mean that.Yes, it's true we are a family but she is the love of your life.How do you think I can ever live in peace knowing that I took you away from her?None of us could stand it, Glenn.But she has her father, Beth, Patricia, Jimmy.They have a safe place and I...I would be much calmer knowing you were there than in the middle of that shit out there” I try to make him think while I point the way outside with a finger.

Glenn sighs, closing his eyes and leaning back in the chair, his fingers wrapping around the locks of his hair, pulling them tightly.

The situation he finds himself in is not easy because, putting myself in his shoes, I am sure that, even though the choice would make me suffer, I would choose to follow the person I love.

I would choose Daryl.

“If Daryl asked you to give up everything and everyone, would you do it?”

I nod again before Glenn finishes his question.

He looks at me with a skeptical frown, I smile back at him.

“This doesn't mean I don't care about you but I'm sure I'll never find such a great love again.How could I leave him behind?”

Glenn seems to reflect on my words even though his furrowed eyebrows indicate that an ocean of conflicting emotions is still churning within him.

Some footsteps catch our attention and when we look behind us we see Rick approach the door of the bar and open it, Glenn and I immediately go alongside him to understand what is happening.

Rick shakes his head dejectedly but he seems to think about something so he turns back to the vet who still stubbornly turns his back on us.

“So what do we do?Just wait for him to pass out?” Glenn asks on the doorstep.

“Just go.Just go!” Hersel silences us.

Rick takes a couple of steps in his direction.

“I promised Maggie I'd bring you home safe”

Rick barely keeps his calm as he tries to reason with the man who in response snorts amused.

“Like you promised that little girl?”

His words take us by surprise with their wickedness.

He must be really upset, Hersel isn't like that.

But before Glenn and I can avoid it, Rick reaches the man, his nervous footsteps sounding loud and confident on the old wooden floor.

“So what's your plan?Finish that bottle?Drink yourself to death and leave your girls alone?”

“Stop telling me how to care for my family, my farm” Hersel blurts out, slamming the empty glass on the counter and finally deciding to get up and face Rick angrily.

“Your people are like a plague!I do a Christian thing, give you shelter, and you destroy it all!” he shouts while gesticulating senselessly but Rick doesn't seem intimidated by all that anger.

“The world was already in bad shape when we met”

“And you take no responsibility!You're supposed to be their leader!”

“Well I'm here now, aren't I?”

The two men are now shouting at each other.

With the tip of my boot I hit Glenn's foot, silently asking him if we shouldn't intervene before the situation can escalate further or, even worse, their screams can attract unwanted attention.

Glenn raises a hand as if telling me to wait.

In fact, after a few moments Hersel seems to calm down and regain some lucidity.

“Yes.Yes, you are” he sighs, staggering towards the stool and collapsing onto it, after which he grabs the glass and takes another sip.

“Come on” Rick urges him again with an authoritative voice but this time with a little more sweetness.

“Your girls need you now more than ever” I whisper moving closer until I reach the man, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Hersel looks at me with his deep blue eyes with a storm reflected in them.

“I didn't want to believe you” he says, dodging my hand violently but keeping his gaze fixed on mine.

“You told me there was no cure, that these people were dead, not sick.I choose not to believe that.But when Shane shot Lou in the chest and she just kept coming, that's when I knew what an ass I'd been, that Annette had been dead long ago and I was feeding a rotten corpse!That's when I knew there was no hope.And when that little girl came out of the barn, the look on your face, while you held her mother in your arms, I knew you knew too.Right?”

His words freeze my blood in my veins.

I remember that moment.

The moment I realized it was all over.

That there is no more hope.

That all hope died the moment Sophia stepped out of that damn barn.

The sweet vet's eyes are filled with tears just like mine.

Behind us Rick and Glenn seem to be holding their breath.

“There is no hope, Summer.And you know it now, like I do.Don't you?”

I put a hand on my chest trying to contain the pain that this man's words are awakening in my old broken soul.

A solitary tear escapes my control, eliciting a bitter smile from the man.

“There is no hope for any of us, Summer” he sighs, turning his back on me again.

My gaze shifts to my two friends who are looking at me helplessly while I sink into my own pain but...it is thanks to they worried gaze that I find the way back to myself.

I approach and position myself between them.

“It's not like that Hersel.Maybe...maybe a week ago I would have agreed with you.I was alone.Scared.I was ready to die alone.But then…then I found them” I murmur, smiling sweetly at the two men.

“I found friends”

I smile in Glenn's direction.

“I found a brother”

I say with more and more conviction, touching Rick's hand.

“I found love”

And I feel my heart explode thinking about the gruff man who must surely be worrying waiting for my return.

“I found a family.I have found hope again”

This time my voice sounds strong and confident around us.

“And if you can't see the beauty and the wonder and how God is so immense to still grant us these joys in this dirty, depraved world I feel sorry for you Hersel.I'm really sorry”

Glenn wraps an arm around my shoulders, leaving a kiss on my temple.

Rick squeezes my hand and then approaches Hersel in a last tired attempt to make him reason once and for all.

“Look, I'm done.I'm not doing this anymore, cleaning up after you.Do you know what the truth is?Nothing has changed.Death is death.It's always been there, whether it's from a heart attack, cancer or a walker.What's the difference?You didn't think it was hopeless before, did you?Now there are people back at home trying to hang on.They need us even if it's just to give them a reason to go on, even if we don't believe it ourselves”

Rick wearily runs a hand over his face, nerves on edge.

This discussion is wearing him down.

He believes in what he says.

He truly believes there is still hope.

And I believe it too.

“You know what?This…this isn't about what we believe anymore.It's about them.It's about Beth.It's about Maggie and Glenn.It's about Summer.It's about my pregnant wife.Now it's only about the people we love, the people we want to protect”

Hersel remains silent, visibly affected by Rick's words.

He stares at us for a few interminable seconds and then after drinking the contents of the glass to the last drop he stands up.

I smile encouragingly in his direction as Rick squeezes his shoulder affectionately.

Suddenly the door behind us creaks and two armed men appear in the doorway.

Damn.

We were so distracted by ourselves that we didn't stay alert enough.

After a quick look inside the two men focus their gaze on me making me shiver.

Glenn notices this and slowly, almost casually, grabs my wrist and moves me behind him.

“Son of bitch.They're alive" one of the two men sneers.

Both seem quite strong and this makes me suspect that they belong to a large and resourceful group.

They're basically a fucking danger.

They approach one of the tables while Glenn and I slowly move behind the counter.

Rick, feigning courtesy, approaches the table, pouring them both a generous dose of the same liquor that Hersel was drinking.

“I’m Dave” one of the two men introduces himself.

He is very tall, with short hair and a look that is too attentive for my tastes.

He is wearing an old pair of dark jeans and his arms are left exposed by a sleeveless t-shirt.

Around his neck he wears a gold chain that clashes terribly with everything else.

His fingers tighten around the butt of his gun.

His dark eyes rest on me again, looking me up and down and then winking in a way that in his fucking mind should be attractive.

I gag mentally.

In response I roll my eyes while Glenn stiffens, moving the rifle in his hands in order to get the guy's attention.

Dave continues with his rant as if nothing had happened.

“That scrawny-looking douche bag there is Tony”

Tony is a man with a stocky build, the t-shirt he wears pulls over his prominent abdomen.

“Eat me, Dave” Tony laughs, a loud, disgusting laugh.

“Hey, maybe someday I will” replies his friend, grabbing the glass and drinking, his eyes close as if he were tasting a fine liqueur and not a third-rate alcoholic drink in a worn-out bar.

I look around noticing the tight smiles on my friends' faces.

We have to find a way to get out of here without these bastards following us.

And even though none of us are visibly interested in the two of them, Dave continues to tell his story.

“We Met on I-95 coming out of Philly.Damn shit-show that was” Dave chuckles and then he goes back to staring at me intently.

From behind the counter Glenn grabs my hand and squeezes it forcefully, a clear signal to tell me to stay calm and play along.

Glenn laughs, thus diverting attention from me.

“I'm Glenn.It's nice to meet some new people”

“Rick Grimes.This is Hersel” Rick murmurs, passing a glass to Tony.

For a few moments a strange silence fills the air and then Dave's eyes are on me again, specifically on my boobs.

The man licks his lips, adjusting the crotch of his trousers in an absolutely disgusting way.

“How about you, sugar.Do you have a name?"

Tempted to respond with my innate sarcasm, I bite my tongue and count to ten.

With my face devoid of any emotion I force myself to speak but before I can do that Rick precedes me.

“She's my sister, she's got a name.And she's got a pretty rough husband.A man with a little problem of self-control, try to stay in yours, okay?”

This time the kindness is completely gone as he slowly hisses the words.

I shrug in response as Dave returns his gaze to me as he drinks the entire contents of his glass.

Him and Rick exchange a strange look, full of tension, then the man holds out his gun towards Rick.

“Not bad, huh?I got it off a cop”

“I’m a cop”

“This one was already dead” the man justifies himself even if I have the clear impression that this isn't true.

Then silence falls again.

The air around us crackles with a strange electricity, just like when the sky fills with clouds waiting for the storm that will sweep everything away.

Rick pours himself a glass of liquor too, displaying the right amount of nonchalance.

“You fellas are a long way from Philadelphia” he murmurs with his lips touching the edge of the glass.

His Adam's apple bobs up and down as he swallows.

“It’s feels like we’re a long way from anywhere” replies Dave.

Apparently he is the brains of the group.

His friend, Tony, simply nods and looks furtively around.

“Well, what drove you south?” Rick asks politely.

My foot begins tapping nervously on the floor as anxiety rises up my stomach.

We have to get out of here.

Glenn, noticing my nervousness, places a hand on my back, caressing it with small circular movements.

“Well, I can tell you it wasn't the weather.I must've dropped thirty pounds in sweat alone down here”

“I wish” Tony chuckles but his friend goes on ignoring him, as if he hadn't even opened his mouth.

“First It was D.C., I heard there might be some kind of refugee camp, but the roads were so jammed, we never got close.We decided to get off the highways, into the sticks, jeep hauling ass.Every group we came across had a new rumor about a way out of this thing”

Well apparently they're not doing well out there.

Right now the farm is the only safe place and we need to make sure it stays that way.

“One guy told us there was the Coast Guard sitting in the Gulf, sending ferries to the islands” adds Tony nodding absently.

“The latest was a rail yard in Montgomery running trains to the middle of the country…Kansans, Nebraska”

“Nebraska?” Glenn asks genuinely confused.

Tony nods.

“Low population, lots of fun” he adds with a wink.

“Kinda makes sense” Glenn replies.

“Ever been to Nebraska, sugar?”

I sigh in frustration, pinching the bridge of my nose between two fingers.

I'm starting to lose my patience.

“Summer.My name is Summer, no sugar.Summer” I hiss, immediately adding “Anyway, no, never been to Nebraska”

“I like you, Summer” he replies languidly and then adds “Anyway there's a reason why they call 'em flyover states.So...how about you guys?”

“Fort Benning, eventually” Rick replies indifferently even if knowing him what he passes off as indifference is nothing more than a warning.

Smart move.

Well done Rick.

Tony and Dave exchange a look followed by a chuckle.

“I hate to piss in your cornflakes, officer, but, um…we ran across a grunt who was stationed at Benning.He said the place was overrun by lamebrains” adds the latter.

Glenn and I exchange worried looks.

This means that things outside are worse than we thought.

But we can't worry about that now, our problem now is these two idiots.

“Wait, Fort Benning is gone?Shit.What will we do now, big brother?” I ask in a worried tone, turning to Rick and hoping to sound convincing enough even if my anxiety isn't entirely fake.

If Hersel is still convinced of the idea of sending us away we will be in shit.

The real shit.

Rick gives me a reassuring look.

“Sadly, I am.Oddly, the truth is there is no way out of this mess.Just keep going from one pipe dream to the next, praying one of these mindless freaks doesn't grab a hold of you when you sleep”

For a moment Dave's words seem to weigh on all of us.

Even on him.

Tony gets up approaching the counter and turning his back to us we can hear the sound of a zip followed immediately by a loud noise.

Tony is practically pissing two steps away from us regardless of anything.

Disgusting bastard.

Dave settles into the chair, spreading his legs and clicking his fingers on his gun resting on the table.

“So what…so what, you guys set up on the outskirts or something?” he asks almost with disinterest.

Jackpot, jerk.

One corner of my lips lifts.

It was more than obvious from the first moment that these two are trying to get to this point.

Instinctively I tighten my fingers around the butt of the gun I have in my jeans pocket.

I have a sixth sense that this isn't going to end well.

“That new development?Trailer park or something?A farm?” adds Tony still busy with his personal business.

We all exchange a warning look as if to imply that whatever happens we must keep our mouths shut.

The heavy silence seems to capture Dave's attention.

“You got a farm?” he asks, exchanging a long look with Rick who, without betraying any emotion, remains silent.

“Is it safe?You got food, water?” he insists with a sly look.

His dark eyes move over each of us, perhaps looking for the weakest of us from whom he can extort the much sought-after information but he is interrupted by his friend who, lifting his zip, turns towards us and exclaims “You got cooze?Ain't had a piece of ass in weeks.Excluding yours, sweetheart”

The man finishes the sentence by winking at me.

I return his gaze, filling my own with obvious disgust.

Dave scolds him with a look, a silent warning not to screw this up, and then he raises his hands in front of him with palms facing me as if he's apologizing.

“Listen, sorry my friend.City kids…they got no tact.No disrespect.So...listen, Glenn...”

Now at the limit of my patience, I come out from behind the counter, ignoring the warning glances from my friend and positioning myself next to Rick.

“We've said enough.Rick maybe it's best to leave” I say with firmness in my voice.

Rick nods slightly.

Good.

Now we have to make sure they don't follow us.

Dave stands up.

“Wait, hang on a sec.This farm��it sounds pretty sweet.How about a little southern hospitality.We got some buddies back at camp, been having a real hard time.I don't see why you can't make room for a few more.We can pool our resources, our manpower”

Rick shakes his head but before he can speak I anticipate him.

“Look, we're sorry.That's not an option”

Dave and Tony exchange a brief but significant look.

My words definitely pissed them off.

Dave puts the gun in the back pocket of his filthy jeans and then smiles at us.

“I don't see the problem” he adds, trying to convince us.

They don't know that they are playing with the wrong people.

I know this type of men, the sanctuary was full of them.

They will have no scruples.

I know how they think.

“Sorry, we can't help you” Rick's words are calm but peremptory.

There is no fucking way for what they think to happen.

“I thought, ya know…I thought we were friends.We got people we gotta look out for too”

Rick shrugs at Dave's words.

“We don't know anything about you” Rick explains simply as if this were enough to make them understand the reasons for our refusal.

Dave shakes his head and sighs.

“That's true.You don't know anything about us.You don't know we've had to go through out there, the things we've had to do”

“We too did things that had to be done, even if we didn't want to” I interrupt him, tired to play fast and loose.

I'm tired now and this makes the tension only increase.

“Oh, I know.I know, sugar.We are all the same.So come on, let's take a nice friendly hayride to this farm and we'll get to know each other”

Fucking prick.

Rick smiles.

And I swear that if I didn't know him I would shiver from head to toe.

That smile of his is dangerous.

“This is bullshit!”

Tony becomes agitated at our side while he places the rifle on his shoulder with one hand.

The man is sweating profusely, a clear sign that he is losing patience and this does not bode well.

And in fact as soon as Rick tells him to calm down the man completely loses his composure and starts screaming.

“Don't tell me to calm down.Don't tell me to calm down.I'll shoot you four assholes in the head and take your damn farm”

“Whoa” I exclaim approaching the man with the gun clutched in my hand.

Rick behind me tries to pull me towards him.

Dave also tries to calm things down by telling everyone to calm down.

I remain still in my place, feet planted firmly on the ground and the gun in front of me.

“Take it easy.Nobody's killing nobody" Dave exclaims, placing a hand on Rick's shoulder and then leaping over the counter.

I don't move an inch, I just lower the barrel of my gun and look behind me where I see Dave placing the gun on the counter and ducking behind it in search of something good to drink, continuing to repeat that no one will die today and that we are friends.

Yeah, kiss my ass moron.

Rick's hand twitches towards his gun.

An imperceptible movement but I can see it.

Without being too dramatic, I turn towards Hersel who, with a small nod of his head, lets me know that he is fine.

Glenn, on the other hand, appears much more agitated.

His haunted gaze moves quickly among everyone present and then settles on mine.

I'm good I mimic with my lips and a bit of tension seems to leave his rigid shoulders.

“You gotta understand” Dave sighs as he pours himself a glass of liquor.

“We can’t stay out there”

“I miss the part where this is our problem” I hiss giving him my full attention.

The man doesn't seem irritated by my words, in fact he smiles.

“Listen man the farm is too crowded as it is.I'm sorry.You'll have to keep looking” Rick tries to mediate, throwing at me a hard gaze, imploring me with his gaze to keep my mouth shut.

Dave nods.

“Keep looking” he murmurs with his lips pressed against the rim of the glass, taking a moment to swallow the amber liquid.

“Where do you suggest we do that” he finally replies, placing the glass in front of him.

“I hear Nebraska's nice” I respond immediately with a toothy smile.

Dave laughs in response, throwing his head back.

“Nebraska.You're so feral, I like you” he chuckles and in the blink of an eye he grabs his gun but Rick is much faster than him exploding a shot straight at the man's head.

Without thinking twice I turn my back on Rick, leaning it against his and without even aiming I fire two shots at Tony's chest.

The man doesn't even have time to react, his awkward movements in grabbing the rifle to try to defend himself were fatal.

The shots ring out like rolls of thunder within the walls of the bar.

The man's enormous body collapses to the ground while two patches of crimson red spread across his white t-shirt, adding to the dirt that adorned it.

With an empty head I let my arms fall lifeless to my sides, the gun slipping from my fingers and falling to the wooden floor with a dull thud.

I watch as if hypnotized as the blood spreads.

It's the first time I've killed another human being.

I shot my mom but she was already dead...

My hands are shaking wildly and I ball them into fists trying to keep them at bay.

When I was at the sanctuary I never had to kill anyone.

He never allowed it.

For him I had to remain clean from this point of view for as long as possible.

He never wanted me to stain my soul with one of the most atrocious acts in the world, that is, taking the life of another human being.

When I ran away, on my long journey, I was lucky enough to meet few people and I always managed to avoid them without being discovered.

But now I had to do it.

I had to.

I couldn't let anything happen to my friends.

In the fog of my thoughts I can hear the sound of Rick's boots coming alongside me.

Then another shot.

And now Tony's face is also covered in blood.

I killed a human being.

“Summer?Summer, are you okay?”

Rick's warm, reassuring fingers touch my cheek and when I force my gaze to move from the lifeless body in front of me to him I don't know what he's reading because a moment later his arms are wrapped around my shoulders.

I can feel the sound of his voice through his large chest.

“It's okay” he whispers gently without loosening his grip on me.

I feel lost.

It's as if I wanted to cry but I no longer had a soul in my body.

I killed a human being.

A living person.

I weakly push my hands against Rick's chest.

His blue eyes observe me, a wrinkle of concern furrows his face.

For a moment I see Tony's corpse in front of my eyes and a wave of nausea overwhelms me, forcing me to close them.

Stunned, I tighten my fingers around Rick's shirt.

Other steps reach us and now Glenn is also at my side, I avoid his gaze as I delicately move away from his light touch.

I feel dirty and I don't want him to get dirty by touching me.

His soul is still pure...

Mine...

I feel like I lost mine the moment I pulled the trigger.

“I…” I croak, not recognizing my own voice.

“Rick…I…”

The worried look of my close friend softens and the worry wrinkle between his eyes smoothes out.

“Is your first time?”

I nod with a shy nod, lowering my eyes to my hands that are crushing the faded cotton of his shirt.

Rick's lips rest delicately on my forehead.

I'm still waiting for the tears but they don't come.

I want to cry, wash away my sins with my tears but they just don't come.

No matter how hard I try my eyes remain empty and dry.

It's as if my own body is punishing me for my reprehensible actions.

You killed another living being, you deserve to suffer by keeping it all inside.

Moving away from everyone, I head towards the door, deliberately ignoring the blood of the man lying at my feet which slowly spreads across the floor in a large dark and dense puddle.

I reach the door observing the outside.

In addition to our car there is another, certainly the car of the two unfortunate people who are now lying lifeless on the floor.

The devastating silence roars loudly in my ears until the vet's voice snaps me out of my horrible thoughts.

“Let's head back”

And although until a few minutes ago I wanted nothing more than to go back to Daryl more than anything in the world, now the very idea terrifies me.

How will I be able to look him in the eyes?

How will he still see me as the wonderful person he saw in me until this morning?

I feel like I should stay here.

My place is here in the midst of death, the same death I feel in my heart.

Behind me I hear my friends' footsteps approaching but before they can do anything else I see lights across the street.

A car.

“Car.Car!Get down” I exclaim lowering myself while the others imitate my same gesture.

After a few moments the car stops and parks right in front of the bar.

The sound of the doors opening is followed by the sound of footsteps.

“Dave?Tony?”

Shit!

Someone came looking for those two bastards.

They were right after all, they were not alone.

“I'm telling you.I heard shots”

“I saw roamers two streets over”

From the voices it seems to understand that there are three of them.

Damn.

I exchange a quick glance with Rick and Glenn, both of whom are on the opposite side of the door while Hersel next to me squeezes my shoulder with his fingers.

The three men talk to each other trying to find out the whereabouts of their friends.

We clearly hear their footsteps along the sidewalk as they argue with each other, ordering each other to be quiet and continue searching.

Rick gets up peering from behind the curtain then, remaining crouched, we approach each other.

“Why won't they leave?” Glenn asks in an agitated tone.

For the first time I look him in the eyes again.

“Would you?” I ask him.

And even if my friend doesn't answer me I know what he's thinking because it's the same thing we all have.

None of us would ever leave the others.

“We have to leave, we can't stay.They will find us.Let's head out the back and make a run to the car”

Nodding we try to move but sudden shots stop our every movement.

“What happened?” asks one of the strangers outside.

The answer doesn't take long to arrive.

Walkers.

Shit.

The situation seems to get worse moment by moment.

The men outside continue to argue until they come to the conclusion that their friends will definitely be in the bar and so a moment later their footsteps inexorably get closer.

Rick and I immediately point the gun at the door and when it opens Glenn rushes towards it, closing it, pressing his back against it.

Now they know we're here.

“Yo, is someone in there?Yo, if someone in there, we don't want no trouble.We’re just looking for our friends”

I shake my head vigorously at Rick.

We must remain silent and wait for them to go away.

If we engage in any kind of discussion with these people we already know how it will end.

And even if my hand trembles I already know that I will do what I have to do if necessary.

“We don't want no trouble.We're just looking for our friends.If something happened tell us.This place is crawling with corpses.If you can help us not get killed, I'd appreciate it” the man repeats once again.

Rick puts his hand to his forehead, fighting against himself, but in the end I can see the moment he gives in.

And then he speaks.

“They drew on us!” he screams.

The footsteps outside are getting closer again.

“Dave and Tony in there?Are they alive?”

No, they aren't.

Despite the darkness, my eyes immediately find the man lying on the floor.

The man I killed.

I killed a human being.

I close my eyes trying to ignore the turmoil stirring inside me.

I can't distract myself now, not now.

I will have time for this, now I have to focus on the present.

We need to get out of here and possibly do it alive.

“No” Rick replies.

Outside the voices are agitated, talking to each other.

Some want to leave while one of them doesn't.

“They drew on us!They give us no choice!I'm sure we've all lost enough people, done things we wish we didn't have to, but it's like that now.You know that.So let's just chalk this up to what it was.Wrong place, wrong-” Rick shouts again but without being able to finish because a hail of bullets hits us.

The windows above our heads shatter, forcing us to step back.

Rick quickly gets to his feet, shooting through the broken glass and telling us to run away.

I grab Hersel's arm and, remaining crouched, we follow Glenn towards the back.

Hersel and Glenn take cover behind the counter while I get stuck behind a column when a bullet whizzes past my ear, splintering the wall protecting me.

I'm panting heavily as I check the magazine of my gun, I only have four shots left.

The gunfire around us seems to stop so I lean forward trying to figure out where Rick is and if he's okay.

I find him loading his rifle.

“Hey!” he shouts outward.

“We all know this is not gonna end well!There's nothing in it for any of us!You guys just...just back off, no one else gets hurt!”

When no one answers Rick nods at me and I know my time has come.

Without wasting time I rush towards the back door and enter the back of the bar.

The old stairs creak under my boots, making my heartbeat skip a beat.

Trying to make as little noise as possible, I approach the door that would signal our salvation but the silhouette of a man appears from behind the glass and a moment later the door handle moves.

Instinctively I shoot, sending the glass shattering.

Three more bullets.

“Summer!Summer!” my friend's worried voice reaches me from the other side of the room.

Keeping the gun pointed at the door I assure them that I'm fine.

Nothing seems to be moving abroad.

Maybe I scared him and he ran away.

Or maybe you killed him.

You killed another human being.

A noise behind me makes me snap like a spring.

I turn around with the gun drawn in front of me and find Glenn with his hands raised.

Behind him Hersel.

Glenn moves my gun from in front of his face.

I exhale deeply.

“Shit, man.Sorry!Sorry!”

I close my eyes trying to calm down.

My goodness, I could have shot my friends!

“Rick wants me to try for the car”

I shake my head.

No.

No.

I can't let Glenn go out there.

“I'll go” I exclaim, ready to stop any protest from him.

I load my gun, trying to block out the two men's animated protests from my head.

I have three shots, I can do it.

I have to do it.

“Summer!”

“No, Glenn!We will talk about sex discrimination another time.I don't give a shit if you feel like a gentleman right now.You will stay here, protect Rick and Hersel.End of the story”

Before I can open the door I feel someone grab my wrist.

When I look at Glenn's face, his eyes are two hard and unreadable mirrors.

“Don't bullshit.Don't be the hero.You get the car and come back here.If things go to shit, run away.We'll find a way”

“Glenn…”

“Just…Just don't die, okay?”

“I won't” I promise him solemnly, leaving a quick peck on his cheek and disappearing out the door.

Outside at the moment everything seems to be quiet so I cautiously walk along the sidewalk that runs alongside the building but I don't have time to walk even ten steps before a shot rings out behind me.

I take cover against the wall and when I turn around another shot rings out in the air.

Glenn shot my attacker.

His chest rises and falls rapidly as with a shaking hand he lowers the rifle.

The man on the ground scream in pain and if we don't silence him he will immediately attract his friends but I can't stop now so I move forward hiding behind a dumpster.

After a few moments I hear Rick's voice.

“Summer?Are you hurt?”

“No.No.I'm good” I whisper.

The man reaches me crouching next to me.

“It's all right.The car's right there.We're almost home”

“Okay”

My voice is shaking, I try to clear my throat but to no avail.

That ball of anxiety and horror is still there weighing down my chest.

We're almost home.

Yeah.

I want to go home.

I want to see Carol again.

I want to see Daryl again.

Only at the thought of him my tears seem to return.

Because I need him.

Daryl was right.

As long as we are together everything will be fine.

Daryl will help me with my pain, he has already healed my soul once.

I'm sure he will do it again.

And again if I need it.

I just need him now.

I sniffle trying not to make too much noise.

Rick wraps his long fingers around my shoulder squeezing it hard.

“I'll take you home, little sis”

The shadow of an amused smile on his lips.

It's absurd how naturally he passed himself off as my brother to protect me.

“I know, big bro”

The man on the ground continues to scream in pain.

Too loudly.

Too fucking loudly.

“Let's go” he urges me but as soon as we get up other shots reach us forcing us to retrace our steps and hide.

Suddenly a car stops on the other side of the road and the man behind the wheel starts yelling that the place is quickly filling up with walkers and that it's best to go.

I lean forward a little to understand who he is talking to and I notice that on the roof of the building opposite there is a boy with a rifle, he must be just over twenty years old, who, invited by his friends, jumps from the roof and disappears from my sight.

Immediately afterwards an inhuman scream reaches us and the car skids off.

“Get Hersel and Glenn” Rick orders me, running towards the screams.

A group of walkers is approaching so shouting at my friends to follow me we run in the same direction as Rick.

The walkers don't follow us too busy devouring the man Glenn shot.

After a few moments the screaming stops.

Making sure the two men are following me I catch up with Rick.

When I arrived, the scene that appeared before me was terrifying.

The boy has impaled his leg on a metal spike, his screams make me shiver while his desperate crying only attracts other walkers.

“We have to go now!” Hersel shouts.

The boy cries even harder.

“I'm sorry, son.We have to go” Hersel murmurs with a heartbroken look towards the young man.

“No, no, don't leave me, please”

His plea tears my heart apart.

It's not his fault that he ended up in this mess.

Nowadays we are willing to do anything to survive, even joining a violent group.

I know something about it.

And in this moment I understand Rick's hesitation in wanting to help the boy and Hersel's determination in wanting to leave.

I can't choose and I can't take sides.

“We have to go!” Hersel reiterates as Rick shakes his head.

“We can't leave him here” replies the latter.

Glenn fidgets next to me.

“Rick, this guy was shooting at you!”

I am struck by his words.

“Glenn, he's just a boy”

But my friend doesn't even give me an answer.

Nervousness arises around us pitting us against each other.

“This place is crawling with walkers!” Glenn shouts while in the distance we can hear the walkers approaching.

Every minute is precious.

“Hersel, what chance do we have of saving him?” I ask the man, ignoring Glenn's almost betrayed look.

I know he is convinced that we are wasting precious time but too many people died today.

If we even have a chance of saving him we have to try.

“The fence went clean through.There's no way we can get the leg off in one piece.We're not gonna get that leg off without tearing the muscle to shreds.He certainly can't run.He may bleed out”

Shit!

Thing Summer, thing!

Meanwhile, Rick and Glenn tell the boy to be quiet, trying to calm his scream.

Then an idea.

“Hersel, can't we just take the leg off?”

At my question the boy begins to scream even louder.

I approach him pointing my gun at his face.

“Listen man, do you want to live?” I spit the words between my teeth, angrily.

I'm tired and out of control.

The boy is terrified by my crazy expression, so he whimpers and nods weakly.

“So shut the fuck up!Do you understand?”

With my eyes fixed on the boy I try to soften my gaze by trying to be at least a little kinder.

"It will all be fine.We won't leave you here just hang on, alright?”

He nods but his gaze remains haunted as Hersel lists the steps to take to amputate his leg.

The man takes off his shirt, knotting it as if it were a tourniquet around the boy's leg.

Rick joins me, pushing a hand against the boy's chest to force him to lie down.

Around us the grunts are getting closer and closer.

Glenn and I exchange a knowing look, splitting up to cover both sides.

He is the first to shoot and I follow closely but having only three bullets there is very little I can do.

“Rick!We have to move” I shout at him.

“I'm out of ammo.Glenn, how's it going?”

The delivery guy fires a couple more shots.

“I'm almost out of ammo” he replies.

Shit!

“Rick!”

I catch up with him while he and Hersel try to cut off the boy's leg.

“Hersel do it now!” Rick is yelling at him but the man shakes his head in defeat.

“There is no time” the vet replies.

Rick, after shooting a walker behind us, drops his rifle and, grabbing the boy's leg, forcefully removes it from the fence.

After an inhuman scream the boy faints.

Rick and Glenn put him in the car.

Hersel and I sit with him in the back seat periodically making sure he's breathing.

The journey continues in a surreal silence and when we reach the farm it is already morning.

I don't remember much about the return journey, it's as if my mind has turned off, excluding any sound, any word, anything that happened in the previous hours.

I feel numb, in my body and in my mind.

And it is with the same state of mind, with the same numbness, that I watch Rick and the others get out of the car.

The man hugs his son and his wife.

In their hasty and excited gestures I can see all the worry evaporate and be replaced by a love so immense, so tangible that it takes my breath away.

I see Maggie run to the car and throw her arms around Glenn's neck as Hersel instructs Patricia on what he needs and what she needs to prepare.

And I…

I sit next to Randall.

That's his name.

I watch his chest fall and rise slowly as small gasps leave his lips.

I look at my hands, placed in my lap, dirty with his blood.

The voices outside the cockpit are just confused murmurs but among them I can clearly hear heavy footsteps until the door on my side opens.

“Ya good?”

His voice unleashes a whirlwind of conflicting emotions within me.

When his fingers touch my chin I move away, turning my head the other way, focusing my gaze on the boy's mangled leg.

The blood continues to soak Hersel's once white shirt relentlessly.

“Summer?”

My name rolls from his lips wrapped in a spiral of worry but despite this I can't look him in the eyes.

I don't feel like myself and I don't want him to see me that way.

Daryl doesn't push any further, just crouches beside me waiting for me to be ready for him.

From the other side of the car someone approaches to take the boy away.

I don't have the strength to look who they are and after a few minutes they all disappeared inside the big house.

Everyone except me.

And Daryl.

The man doesn't let out a breath, he remains motionless at my side.

After minutes or hours I find the strength to speak again.

“You should reach the others” I murmur, lost of any emotion, of any feeling.

The words come out in such a soft whisper that I'm afraid he didn't hear me.

But I know that's not true.

The archer remains motionless at my side.

Not a breath, not a word.

I feel his eyes boring a hole into my face, even though I can't see him I feel his eyes on me.

I peek in his direction and it's just as I imagined.

His beautiful blue eyes are there, intently staring at me.

In his face there is not even a shadow of what I had imagined.

There is no anger, no disgust, oh no...in his eyes there is only so much concern but also so much relief at me coming back.

Come back to him.

And all this kills me.

I would have preferred for him to yell at me, for him to scold me for my recklessness, for disappearing without telling him anything.

I would have accepted anything but this.

Not this.

I feel like I don't deserve his gentle soul.

I look back at my hands, Randall's blood coagulated between my fingers.

The same fingers that pulled that trigger.

The same fingers that marked the end of a life.

I killed a human being.

With a sudden movement of my arm I push Daryl angrily, forcing him to stand up and make room for me while I get out of the car.

Shocked and without a specific destination, I walk away from the car and head towards the opposite side of the house.

The hill that leads towards the trees at the edge of the property extends in front of my eyes and so without having really decided my feet take me in that direction.

“Summer!” the archer grunts trying to reach me.

I snort, speeding up my pace.

Why can't he understand that I want to be alone?

His large hand grabs my wrist, forcing me to stop.

He stays behind me, granting me at least this.

I don't want to see his eyes and he understood this.

“Wha’ happened?”

“You should reach the others, Daryl”

My voice cracks as I say his name.

The same name that until a few minutes ago kept me away from my own demons now seems to push me further and further towards an abyss from which I can't see a way out.

“Wha’ happened, my sunshine?”

My heart skips a beat.

My sunshine.

He thinks about me as his.

And I want to be his.

But…but I feel so dirty…

I killed a human being.

“Wha’ happened?” he repeats but this time letting all his desperation towards my stubborn silence shine through his words.

What happened...

Happened that I love you and I feel like I don't deserve you.

Here's what happens.

But I will never tell him this.

Never.

Daryl Dixon is all I have and I will always protect him.

Even if it is from myself that I will have to protect him.

“Mind your fucking business, Dixon” I hiss angrily, yanking my hand from his grasp.

Daryl lets me go like he's burned himself and when I start to walk away I don't hear his footsteps following me.

I don't have the courage to turn around.

Because even though this is what I want, I can't handle the pain in his eyes.

I'm a monster.

Please share, comment and rate ❤️

🔥 Masterlist 🔥

Taglist ❤️

@deansapplepie @celtic-crossbow @daryldixmedown

[lightofraye]

About Me Redux

I decided I needed a new "about me". My original one was written hastily and just lacked meat. I am a person of substance, and not a one-note. So... shall we begin?

Online Nickname: Raye Pronouns: She/her

I'm a cis-woman with bisexual leanings, and could largely be considered a pagan/agnostic/atheist. (It varies on the day. 😅)

I consider myself a writer. I've dabbled in Medium posts, and in the past, have written fanfiction, original stories, blogs. Nowadays I'm working on my first screenplay. It's been a fun challenge and I have been enjoying it immensely!

Eventually I hope to branch out into novels. Those take longer, but it's a dream of mine nonetheless.

I'm passionate about reading. I have a number of favorites and love to re-read them when the mood strikes. They're heavily urban fantasy, with a dash of high fantasy, Dungeons & Dragons type books, and the occasional romance.

I'm a survivor of abuse. Since childhood, I've endured just about all kinds of abuse: mental, sexual, emotional, physical and financial. There's a reason why I speak out about abuse, and try to shine a light on what I can because I do not want anyone else to suffer. It would be wonderful if one person was helped or found strength to leave because of my blog.

I hadn't meant to become an anti-blog. I do and will share things about other stuff, but I am also going to focus on the abuse I see from Elta Danneel Graul Ackles to her husband, Jensen Ross Ackles.

I'll speak of writing, life, positivity... whatever strikes my fancy. Just don't come here claiming I don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to abuse. The fact I can still hold love and kindness after what I've been through speaks to my strength.

If my abusers couldn't break me, what makes you think you can?

See Follow Up For Masterlist

[smilingperformer]

Me: "Yaaaay it's Horizons anniversary soon!!"

Others: "It's been a year since Satoshi's journey ended"

I... I didn't even think about that |D

Guess I was that ready to just let him leave the story.

Considering that none of the original series staff stayed in the writing team, they were too.

Since it's soon been a year and we're reaching the end of act 2, I can confidently say this is like, my favourite Pokémon series. Alongside Sun & Moon. And both are favs for wholely different reasons, as in, love Sun & Moon for tackling mature topics and for having wonderful humor, alongside good world building and nice focus on family theme. While Horizons I love the story focus shift from normal, cast that is super enjoyable and a take on a found family type of group, new original villains that I've come to like a lot, etc etc.

I love how different both shows are. I love how both dare to try new things out in different way. Liko is one of THE most relatable characters to me, and I love the whole entire cast to bits. I even adore the Explorers, esp. Sango is slowly making a hole in my heart that wants me to call myself a fan of hers. Yes. She's been that enjoyable to me. Even Amethio's grown on me immensely, I like how his character works, and excited to see his role this upcoming ep.

At the start Roy felt a tad bit too alike to Satoshi, and at times I can see that similar type of "forget about a skill and then do the skill" writing from Satoshi era is thrown on him, but he's still mostly his own character. But that is probably why I'm more drawn to the likes of Liko, Dot, Friede, Amethio and Sango, because their fighting styles are so refreshing for me. I even like how Onyx and Sango pairing works, with Onyx fitting Sango's oni-speaking pattern (srsly wtf that must have been intended and now I want to know if dub has ANYTHING to match this speaking pattern with.)

There's been clear growth, clear character progression, much much slower team progress than whatever the fuck JN did (not jabbing at anyone who likes JN but I won't deny that I really hate how fucking fast most Pokémon evolved there. It seems Horizons knows not to rush things).

Act 1 suffered from pacing issue where stuff happens in one episode and then the next ep sort of shrugs it off and continues the plot in a really weird tone-shift, but I don't think act 2 had that, which I liked. But act 2 also had more fill-ins compared to the action-packed act 1. But imo, it was good to have a more slower, calming pace for a while. It helped build on the characters more, and show how the Rising Volt Tacklers exactly live like. Which makes the Brave Asagi breaking in recent episode ever so more heartbreaking aaaaaaaaah-

I'm also kinda glad I was wrong on the "only a one year long series", because so far I'm quite attached to the cast and definitely wouldn't have felt happy to see them go yet. So knowing that Horizons seems to follow the usual 3 year pace (maybe 2, maybe 4, who knows) makes me happy. And I totally look forward to act 3 that is definitely caused by the Brave Asagi needing long, long time for repairs.

So um yeh. This was a weird ramble lol. But like, love Horizons, don't exactly miss old show as I felt it told whatever it wanted to and had the danger of just, butchering characters further from what I enjoyed it for. Sometimes it's better to let go. Fanfics and fanarts will still exists for a long long time, I'm sure. But my enjoyment on Horizons has definitely caused me to not miss the old days at all. And I'm glad.

(Do I want Satoshi to return? Honestly? No. 26 years is long enough for me.)

[many-but-one]

Things I didn't realize would happen as I started trauma therapy

To preface, this is written by Vivian (he/him), the current "main" host of the Many but One system. I am a trauma holder for childhood and teen trauma, but I am also highly functional despite this due to the fact that most of my really severe trauma is even further compartmentalized--I am one of those "alter with alters" type of subsystems.

So, this post is going to explain some of the things I didn't realize would happen to me, Vivi, as I progressed in trauma therapy.

I had to re-learn how to say "no." This was very hard to do in the beginning. My entire "purpose" was very heavily focused on "just let it happen, just let it happen, it'll be over soon" regardless of what the actual circumstances were. Even in a non-SA environment, I found it difficult to say no to people or to remove myself from situations I felt were uncomfortable. When my therapist helped me realize that I had CHOICES and could make them freely (within reason) that was...seriously mind-blowing. Intrinsically, I know that I am allowed to say no. I know that I can make my own choices. However, when faced with the actual situation or if I think too deeply about the freedom I have I actually lose my fucking mind just a little bit. It's like my internal wiring is so deeply set to "NO! You sit there and you take it, it doesn't matter how uncomfortable you are, you just let it happen." Going against such deeply ingrained beliefs about myself has been a doozy, but it's been such a relief to finally have some freedom from those lines of thinking.

I am not as apathetic and hateful as I thought I was. Don't get me wrong, when I get into a "mood" I can definitely be this way, however, upon working on healing myself I realized I actually, genuinely, enjoy helping people or taking care of them. I was never like this before because I was so deeply focused on keeping MYSELF safe, that I didn't even have the capacity to think or care about others. I was incredibly self-centered, and not in a bad way, in a survival way.

I don't have to let myself suffer all the time. If my body hurts I can take care of it. If I am hungry, I am allowed to eat. If I am uncomfortable in any given scenario, I can leave. I don't have to "just suffer through it." Suffering is not a virtue, and it doesn't make me stronger. It only makes me weaker.

People aren't as bad as I thought they were. From my limited experiences in the external world as a child and teen, every single interaction I ever had with someone was typically highly traumatic. Such is the way of a trauma holder who kind of "specializes" in the SA side of things. So as you can imagine, becoming a host and having to interact with people on a daily basis made it very hard to trust anyone around me. However, the more I interact with genuinely good people, the more I realize that "Humanity is Okay, actually." Yeah there are some really fucked up people, like our abusers, but there is so much genuine GOOD out there, and having my walls up at every second made it literally impossible to even see it. Learning how to trust and be vulnerable is still something I am working on. But I am doing it, and it hasn't backfired yet. Knowing who to trust has been hard because I typically just go "NOBODY," or at least, I used to. So I am very careful about who I put my trust in, and it has paid off immensely.

I am a genuinely good person, even when I do "bad" things. When I say bad things, I don't mean abusing others or things of that nature. But moreso, things that myself, our system, our brain, has ingrained in us as "bad." Such as coping with negative coping mechanisms (alcohol, drugs, impulsive spending, self harm), engaging in trauma reenactment scenarios, or being overly reactive (or the opposite, apathetic) to others around me. Just because I relapse into bad behaviors doesn't automatically make me a bad person, that just makes me human. And thinking that I'm going to get through this hell called "Trauma Therapy" without relapses is just ridiculous. Being kinder to myself has been a good step.

I am allowed to make mistakes. Kind of with the above, mistakes don't automatically mean I need to punish myself for making the mistake. Making mistakes is part of life, no matter how big or small they are. Showing myself grace when I do these things has been life-altering.

I am a human being. This one is kind of sad. A lot of our trauma holders feel very detached from being a person, including myself. A saying we have to remind ourselves of constantly is "We Are Human." We are a person, not a thing, not a demon, not a monster, not a faerie, not a statue, not a robot, not a doll, not an angel, not a god. We are human, and we deserve to be treated with the kindness and grace of one. That is the LEAST we deserve, is to be treated like a human. Unfortunately that has not been the case for a lot of our lives. But things are different now. And we are finally starting to understand that.

I don't have to live with one foot in trauma time and one foot in the present. This might be a bit confusing, but something our therapist noticed with a lot of us is that we often have one foot in the present and one foot still in trauma time. We often feel like we have to hold on tight to those experiences. During trauma anniversaries, we HAVE to relive them, that's our job. This may just be a personal system experience, but we didn't get closure when the trauma ended, so we never knew when it would happen again. There are so many parts in our system that are so sure it's going to start again even though it ended 15 years ago. They are still certain that "this year is different, this year they will come for us" which leaves us panicked and paranoid. Something we did to cope was essentially relive the trauma or reenact the trauma internally during those trauma times because we were so used to being traumatized the same ways all the time at the same times of the year, that when we suddenly weren't, we panicked. However, in therapy we have slowly started learning that the cycle is OVER and we don't have to live like this anymore. It's so hard. But we are making it work.

I hope by sharing these few things it will instill maybe a little bit of hope for those of you who are working through trauma therapy. I truly never thought I would be where I am today. I was considered one of our most self destructive persecutors for a long time, I would burn every bridge I could to keep people away from me, I would self harm and drink alcohol excessively, I would be reckless and impulsive to the point where there were many times that our gatekeepers had to frantically yank me out of the front so that I wouldn't end our life. The levels of pain I felt (and still very often feel, I am not "healed" yet) were so fucking immense that I just didn't want to be here anymore. But seeing where I came from versus where I am now has given me a lot of hope for where I could be in the coming months and years. I don't think I've ever truly had hope for the future, but now I am at the very least curious what it will bring. I think even just a mere curiosity is enough. You don't have to be excited for what is to come. Simply being curious is good, too.

I hope you all have a blessed day,

🪷Vivi👑

Many but One

[ohmotherwhereartthou-if]

Hi!! How exactly will phobia of men work with male mc?

Hello!

(there is a rant in the middle of this ask, I am so sorry. Please skip if you'd like, my actual answer is below the rant.)

So this is tricky for me to answer because I am basing the androphobia in my game based off of conversations with people who I know that have it. All whom of which, happen to be women.

The panic/fear/dread that comes with any phobia when your shown the thing you fear, is based off of how I feel when I see the object of my intense phobia.

I do a lot of research on areas I can't pull from personal experience or through conversations with others, and what I have found out is that most men who have androphobia; don't freaking talk about it!

Small personal rant incoming (jump down to next purple line of text to skip):

I'm going to be talking about some fucked things so if you're easily triggered (and your surprisingly reading my sad ass story lol) read at your own risk.

The most I have found is men anonymously asking the internet for help without any context about why they feel the way they do. Which I mean, I'm not judging because opening up about trauma isn't easy. I just think it's immensely sad that most men don't feel like they can talk about these things and bottle it up.

I don't believe in toxic masculinity, I think that there are just toxic people. And very sadly I have grown to see that men opening about their problems often either get shut down or shunned. They get told to be emotionally vulnerable only for it to be used against them, I have personally seen it so often and it makes me so freaking sad. I have a wonderful dad, awesome uncles and the two best little brothers in the world; and all of them have been either betrayed, abused, or sexually assaulted. And they NEVER talk about it. Almost all of it caused by women that also never got punished for it and rather had people defending them while the men practically got told , "get over it" or "you enjoyed it". It makes me so mad people gloss over how much men can suffer just as women do and rather choose to downplay their pain.

Androphobia obviously often comes from trauma caused by men, but even little boys who experience it are reluctant to even bring it up because they get seen as weak. I have seen guys open up about their past and insecurities only to be seen as weak by both other men and women. It's seen as unattractive and again, very weak. Which is so sad when everyone keeps trying to tell men open up, because when they do the same people get turned off or start to see the guy differently.

Ugh. I'm so sorry, I know this is hella off topic but even as a girl myself it hurts me so fucking much to see guys I care about be treated like this then told to keep it to themselves and just be strong.

End of rant (sorry, it's a personal subject for me):

But anywho sorry, I'm not here for PSA's I'm here to write a story. I'm going to keep digging on the internet for men who also have experience with this phobia and if I can't find any accounts for it, I will unfortunately have to treat it just the same as a female experience with the phobia. Which I'm sure there is a difference between how guys experience it but I don't want to force guys to talk if they don't want to about it, as most phobias sadly come from personal trauma. 😢

[lostinvasileios]

Fears.

Yeah, that's nice. But, why do you fear so much? No, I'm - serious, why?

A lot of the times, as sad as it is, I've encountered people who often lower their own power by fearing all the possible outcomes. Key word, love: possible.

Take it from me, for the first year or so of me practicing and getting close with deities, no matter how obviously real things were, I always had a lingering thought of "what if I'm just making it up?" or "they'd never say that to me."

While being able to differentiate your own thoughts and your own projection while interacting with deities or magic(k) at all is important, you don't need to fear it. If you mess up, you mess up. Nobody's angry or disappointed at you because the universe, your deities, they understand. You're only human. And you're trying. That's what matters. Trying.

Your failures are not measured, they aren't keeping score of all the times you accidentally fucked up something small like interpreting their exact wording or actions like if they waved their hands at a specific point in their sentence or not. You know??

Here's something that helped me: if it makes you happy, then fuck all else. Everything can technically be perception, anyways. If something's fake, you'll find out eventually. You'll be able to tell at certain points.

Lady Hekate once told me, "things are only as real as you want them to be."

Of course, grounding and else other are also important factors, but if the only thing that's realistically stopping you here is the fear of them being figments of imagination, fear of "failing" to reach out to them, ect... You don't need to worry about that, dove.

Most of the time, it's just brain fog. It's just the fear of the unknown, rejection, and other things of those categories. And that's all valid.

Most of the time, at least for me, it was the fact that I was in the presence of such magnificent beauty that made it difficult to believe I was actually experiencing what I was. It was the amount of incomprehensible, out of this world love that the entities I connected with had for me. It was - them, in general at times.

I suffered from psychosis for years when I was younger before starting my journey, and despite how I've gotten drastically better over the years, I still contain some certain... Tendencies you could say.

I constantly questioned if things were real, and, yes asking questions is alright. It's great to do, actually. But don't drive yourself into a sorrow pit over them. You know? Don't bring yourself down more by believing those overthinking fears you can have at times.

I was under such immense fear of making things up that I failed to realize that the only reason I was having such a hard time was because I doubted myself way too much. I was way too hard on myself on multiple cases, and still can be at times unfortunately.

Have more faith in yourself, have more patience with yourself. No matter how experienced someone is, there's always something new to learn, and learning is difficult for everyone at times. Everyone's gone through the same thing in their own variation before, and most likely will a thousand times again. The more you learn to trust yourself, the more you can overcome that battle - which might be one of the hardest, to tell you the truth - the smoother this will get for you. But it takes time, it takes breaks, it takes tears and effort, it takes a lot. It takes you.

One of the points of magic and deities or whatever the hell else is to simply learn to enjoy life more. To live. To experience. You can't do that if you're too caught up in your fears to see how far you've gotten, to see at all.

You know the truth, deep down. Just shh, and listen. It may take a long time, but eventually, you'll find your answer to the reality of things. To the emotions of things. Don't pressure yourself, don't suffocate yourself with doubts and fears.

Everything that's yours is yours, everyone creates their own realities and fates. Just be you. Just grow. Just feel. Just... Live your journey. Everything's gonna be fine, bee.

[xris05]

A lot of people overestimate where they'd end up in the Horror Spectrum of Survival, which is something I made up right now, and is a ham-fisted metaphorical way for me to segue into talking about The Mangus Archives!

Several friends of mine have been getting into it right now- and if you read this, and you're apart of that group, yer welcome - and they're getting super into it, to the point of making little 'sona's. Which is really cool! Because they're talented artists and creative folks.

I was considering hoping on the bandwagon, but realised with some terrible clarity, that none of the dread powers would be particularly interested in me. Let's run down the list.

The Buried: Sounds cosy if anything. I do pretty well in high pressure environments

The Corruption: I'm not afraid of being ill, and whilst I don't like bugs, I'm also not afraid to just squish 'em.

The Dark: I'm pretty cool with the dark, I'd be more afraid of falling over and dropping something in the dark.

The Desolation: Scary to lose stuff and suffer, sure, but sometimes it happens. I don't worry about it regularly, and I'm careful to make sure it doesn't happen.

The End: I've made my peace with it.

The Eye: I'm a nerd, and I've got no secrets to hide. Come at me, oversized eyeball.

The Flesh: Meat is meat, and we're all meat, no worries here. No attachment either

The Hunt: I am 100% aware I would lose a chase, hunting or being hunted, no interest or pull either way here. I'd just lie down and die lol.

The Lonely: I've got friends in 5 time zones, I'm never alone

The Slaughter: I appreciate and recognize the terror of war and violence, but also can't truly know it, it's very distant to me after all.

The Spiral: I quite enjoy fantasy and losing myself in a false-world, actually. But I'm also pretty fond of the real world, and am not particularly warped of perception.

The Stranger: I know who I am, and the uncanny valley doesn't really get to me

The Vast: I loved space, I love being lost in the beautiful immensity of the world. I can also read a map, no fear here, but I'm also pretty fine not wandering and just sticking in my little box of walls and roofs.

The Web: I'm fairly content playing my part in schemes and such, and whilst I don't like spiders, I can tolerate / murder them.

In conclusion, I'm too damn boring to be an avatar.

[cyber-skeletons]

very important question. vital. who is your transformers best bitch, and why are they in a complicated psychosexual relationship that is also gay. so gay. gay as balls

Noel: Our answers differ depending on who you ask but if you MUST know my Transformers Best Bitch^TM has to be Megatron my best friend Megatron I'm sooooo normal about him I love his sillygoofy war crimes I can project on him in any universe

Leo: My Transformers Best... uh, Bud, is Optimus Prime. Zero hesitation. He's just like me for real. If it's even fair to compare myself to him. Something something, being a leader as an expression of love for others and your community, always trying to do what's right even when it's hard, owning up to and being accountable for your mistakes as an example for others... Suffering from the drive to sacrifice oneself in order to shield others... He's a great comfort to me.

Noel: I suppose if Leo's getting serious and sentimental I can also clarify that Megatron reminds me of how I was radicalized into leftist fascism in my youth and was born into a society that hated me because of my body and wants to kill me for it. Also just. I was kind of a shitty person obsessed with being "strong" and thinking that I, personally, had to fix all the world's problems. I've also had my fair share of Terminuses and Starscreams (and unfortunately a Trepan) in my life. I don't know... he just... My brain has made him the epicenter of a Category 7 Autism Event with no end in sight. I've trauma-imprinted on him like a baby duckling.

Leo: As for their complicated psycho-sexual relationship that is also gay, it's, uh, with each other. These two are inseparable even in merchandising. Have you seen that Mr. and Mrs. Smith poster? Wild.

Noel: There's also the fact that we think they have immense potential to make each other better as much as they have potential to make each other worse, even in universes where they don't know each other in their backgrounds. Megatron is very "extreme." Optimus is very "safe." Optimus is The Giving Tree. Megatron is a black hole. Stir them together and you can get either something shockingly... healthy???

Leo: Or, something wildly and rabidly codependent/obsessive and toxic, which is also nice to enjoy.

[infinite-xerath]

Gonna be honest: my excitement for Arcane season 2 is kind of... Lukewarm at best. The show is fantastic, there's no doubt about it. I really did adore season 1, and frankly speaking, I've no doubt season 2 will be amazing when I get around to watching it.

However, and I acknowledge this is no fault of the show's own, a part of me just can't help feeling ever-so-slightly bitter about the effects Arcane has had on League's lore and fanbase. Not only has Riot infamously shifted their entire storytelling effort toward revolving around Arcane, which is large part of why we've suffered an immense lore drought these last couple years, it's also weird knowing that there's an entire sub-fandom that only knows and cares about Piltover/Zaun and not the entire fantastical world beyond them.

Again, I'm not out to attack Arcane or anyone who likes it. I know the lore situation is hardly the show's own fault and I can hardly blame anyone who doesn't have time for/interest in the broader world of Runeterra (I've been a part of a couple sub-fandoms myself, so believe me, I get it.) It's just hard not to feel a smidge of resentment toward Arcane for the broader ripple effects it had, even though I understand fully well, again, the blame lies not with the show nor the creators who have clearly put a lot of time and effort into making something genuinely great.

I'll get around to watching season 2 and I'm sure I'll enjoy it. Just wanted to vent some personal feelings I've been wrestling with for a while, I suppose.))

[pascaloverx]

As It Was

Chapter Seven (M)

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Summary: A bath can alleviate the biggest worries but our protagonist still has to deal with the consequences of her decisions.

Warnings: Use of explicit language, adult content, potential depiction of physical and verbal violence. Minors are advised not to read or engage with this story. Minors should not interact with this story, especially this chapter!

Personal Note: Hello dear readers, I'd like to request that you comment on the story if you enjoy it. Your opinions will be taken into consideration for the future of the fanfic. Please note that this story involves multiple romantic interests, so feel free to share your thoughts on them. I'll aim to update the fanfic every week and appreciate those who share and like this fanfic.

I didn't expect to wake up still in Barnes' arms. But it's so nice cuddling with him that you can't bring yourself to leave his embrace. I find myself looking at him and trying to understand how someone so handsome gets into so much trouble. Barnes shifts and accidentally hits his wound on your arm. He grunts in pain and opens his eyes, locking his gaze with yours.

"Is your anger towards me so strong that you're seeking revenge while I sleep?" He questions, his eyes searching yours for an answer.

"Exactly. I hope this injury makes you suffer enough to stop being foolish." You say as you gently touch Barnes' face.

"My foolishness, miss, allowed us to end the night the way we did." He says proudly, and you shake your head disapprovingly.

"Regardless of how we ended the night, sir, you need to change these bandages and take care of this wound. If you want, I can help you..." I say, getting up from the bed and extending my arms for Barnes to lean on me as I head to the bathroom.

"Are you going to help me with the shower?" Barnes asks as I'm assisting him towards the bathroom shower. His tone seems very malicious which makes I feel embarrassed. But I am holding him, while he's completely naked. When I take his hands off me to support him against the wall from the shower, I notice that he makes a loud noise. Immediately I turn around to see if I hurt him. At that moment, Barnes pulls me with immense precision and leans me against the wall. I have no reaction, or rather, the excitement has completely taken over me. He kisses me, passionately. Our tongues seem to be exploring every part of our mouths and Barnes' hands immediately cup my breasts. He makes circular movements around the tip of my breasts, which makes me even more excited. As I'm not naked, he takes the time to explore my body underneath his shirt that I'm wearing. As we kiss, he gives me a boost to hold my legs around his waist.

"Barnes, this is a bad idea. You have a wound on your stomach..." I say between kisses trying to avoid be carried away by the moment. Barnes doesn't seem to hear me, as he lightly presses my ass, giving me one last incentive to wrap my legs around his naked body. Barnes' hands move down towards my lower body, and the next thing I know his finger is inside me. He's moving in and out, making I focus only on that. The movements get faster and faster, to the point where you feel like you're getting wet. He also feels it and inserts two more fingers into me, I murmur his name a few more times while he stimulates me. When I feel his fingers entering me and moving so quickly, it's like I'm going to explode with excitement. Just as I'm about to cum on Barnes' fingers, I feel the need to bite him on his neck. I remember how excited it made him in the past. He seems to like it, since you feel the his dick gets harder and harder. His metal hand holds my waist while the other fucks me.

"Babe, I'm going to cum..." I say between the moments I can rationalize. Barnes stops his movements as soon as he hears me and guides my pussy to his dick. He starts to get into me so quickly which almost becomes abrupt. But that makes everything tastier. Moving in and out of me, I can feel that soon he's going to cum too. I decide to hold his firm ass while he nibbles on his neck.

"Love..." That's all he can murmur before reaching orgasm, I kiss him feeling my orgasm come seconds later. Looks like James Barnes still knows how to fuck a woman.

"Your wound is bleeding again..." I say as I remove my legs from around Barnes' waist.

"Next time, I'll let you ride me. Doing it standing up after a shot is crazy." He says laughing as he moves to kiss me. I kiss him and then grab some soap and shampoo so we can take a shower. It's almost relaxing to have my hair soaped by Barnes while I apply soap to his body. We finished the shower then and as we were getting out of the shower, we heard someone enter the house.

"Stop what you're doing and come here quickly, I have news on Killian's case." Dave says loudly and you and Barnes smile at each other.Of everyone who could find out that we had sex, he's probably the worst.

"Dave, I'm just helping Barnes out of the shower." I respond calmly as I wrap the towel around my body. Barnes is already dry and has a towel around his waist when we leave the bathroom.

"He knows what kind of help you gave him that resulted in both of you taking a shower together." Dave said, looking us up and down.

"Give it a rest, Dave. Do you have any reason to be here so early?" I say as I grab some clothes for both me and Bucky. Barnes takes his clothes from me and heads to the bathroom to change. Dave is in the kitchen making coffee while Barnes and I are getting dressed. I leave the bathroom already dressed and go to meet Dave.

"Did you have a good night, Miss Harrison?" Dave says behind me as he hands me the coffee.

"Dave, do you want to tell me what you found out before I get annoyed?" I say while I take a few sips of coffee. Dave uses the projector to show the information he collected from Killian. There are several photos of the night that I spent with Killian. I looked beautiful that night, I must admit, but how did Dave get those photos?

"You must know that your boyfriends were not happy with being left behind, each one reacted in a different way but none of them liked it." Dave has to be talking about Killian and Steve.

"Which one reacted worse?" I ask trying to imagine what Steve must look like.

"Steve. Killian even commented in the hotel room that even though you didn't tell him your name and ran away, he liked the way you were. Steve, on the other hand, left Peggy there and went pissed off to the hotel. We arrived a few hours ago." Dave updates me on the situation as if warning me.

"Do you think I should go see him and try to make amends?" I suggest, proposing something I honestly wish I didn't have to do. I've literally done something I'd hate if Steve had done it.

"Perhaps if you approach him with the same enthusiasm you had when you came here to heal your ex-husband, you might earn Rogers' forgiveness. Otherwise, I don't think it's worth it. But you don't have many options..." Dave speaks with his typical critical tone.

"Are you suggesting I sleep with Steve to make amends?" I ask, raising an eyebrow incredulously.

"I knew you had slept with Barnes, but no. There's another way to get him to agree to go with you to this masquerade ball here. Killian is coming over, and he's throwing a ball to celebrate. Maybe your father will be there incognito to make some contacts, but it's important that you both go. That way, you can seduce your third boyfriend." Dave adds, his tone sarcastic.

"None of them are my boyfriend. Barnes literally took a bullet for his girlfriend, Steve is clearly still interested in Peggy, and as for Killian..." I find it hard to believe I'm involved with three men, and none of them are really mine.

"Regardless of that, we have a masquerade ball to attend. Actually, you and Steve should go to monitor Killian." Dave suggests, while drinking more coffee and I can only wonder how I'm going to get Steve to cooperate with me. This is beautiful shit I got myself into.

"I'll find a way to make Rogers cooperate. I just need you to convince Sam to come back here and keep an eye on his friend." I say knowing that I will almost be on an impossible mission.

"My friend, I'm one step ahead of you. Let me deal with the muscular hunk while I wait for Wilson to arrive, and you can go find Rogers." Dave is right, according to the leaflet and the information on the monitor, this dance will be tomorrow. Without Steve, half the plan goes down the drain.

"Take care of him, I helped with the bandages, and he's better off resting." The mission is important but I cannot forget that Barnes' recovery comes first.

"Worry about how to make Rogers happy and don't worry. I'll be the best nanny that Barnes has ever had, of course without the benefits you give him. Unfortunately for me, in this case." Dave says jokingly and you slap his arm.

"When Barnes comes out of the bathroom, tell him I left you in charge." I kiss Dave's cheek and head out to my car. I'm really hoping Rogers is home as I approached his door after a rather distant car ride. I knock on the door a few times waiting and waiting. I see a shadow inside the house.

"Steve, it's incredibly rude not to open the door for your girlfriend, you know?" I say louder, hoping to provoke some reaction from him and get him to open the door.

"Are you my girlfriend now?” Steve responds and I give him a satisfied smile.

"Don't you want to open the door so I can have the pleasure of looking into your eyes while I tell you that you're being childish?" I add, trying to add a touch of assertiveness to my words. He then opens the door. His hair is a complete mess, he's only in his boxers, and he looks angry.

Steve speaks, "Am I being childish? You left me in Las Vegas with Dave and didn't even bother to explain yourself. You can't judge me." His tone defensive as he confronts the situation.

"I came to apologize for my lack of professionalism. I know you won't easily forgive me for my mistake, but I had no choice." I add, trying to convey my regret and sincerity.

"Everyone has a choice, Melisa. Yours was to be incapable of prioritizing a serious situation over chasing your past." Steve says, his voice firm, expressing his disappointment.

"It's between you and me, darling. Or do you think I don't recognize the dress that's currently tossed in the corner of your room? Is that why you didn't want to open? Afraid of showing that you still have feelings for your ex? Or that your professionalism only lasted until I left?" I speak, just as critical as he is.

"One thing has nothing to do with the other." Steve says, denying my accusation, his tone firm.

"If you want to stay in denial, that's your problem. I commit to being a better partner in the future, and I recommend that you work on being better overall too. Another thing, regardless of who's inside your house right now, tomorrow night, you'll be the best fake boyfriend I've ever had. And that's not optional." My tone is firm and straightforward as I throw the masquerade ball flyer right onto Rogers' bare chest. Having no patience to hear what he might say next, I turn my back and head home. I just hope things improve from here on.

tag list: @cjand10

[curseoftheeel]

Okay, turn's over. Hello everyone, here's another D&D spotlight, this time on Tormentia and how she casts her spells. Next week, Frank will be put in the spotlight of the game!

Also a quick announcement, I'm revitalizing my Patreon! 2023 was so hard because I was focusing so much on creating art for clients, but I want to redouble my efforts towards working mainly on my own stories like Curse of the Eel and more. With that in mind, I've set up the Patreon and have already made some posts for you to check out, including my new comic story, Honor Bound, which will be exclusive to Patreon until it's completed. If you can support me I would be immensely grateful, and you'll get weekly updates on my stories, including early looks at pages for Curse of the Eel! Every little bit helps, even if it's only $1 a month! And to reiterate, Eel will continue the posting it has online, I'm not putting it behind a paywall. The Patreon will give you early looks at the pages, but they'll always get uploaded to Tapas and Tumblr as before.

Honor Bound is a romance/fantasy story with a little bit of horror splashed in (shocking!). The story is about Zheng, a young squire who is attempting to return to the man they love after suffering a great loss on the battlefield. Zheng made a promise, and not even bandits, knights, nor a mysterious witch will keep Zheng from returning to their love, Rayner. This is my first attempt at a full on romance, but if you like Dungeons and Dragons, eldritch horror, and some queer love, I think you'll enjoy Honor Bound! I may post up some sneak peeks on here, but I've talked enough for now. Thank you everyone for your time and your support of me and my comics, I can't tell you how often I would look through past pages comments to remind myself that these stories matter. Have a great weekend!!

[shrinking-but-shining]

Hey Lovelies,

TW: death, abuse, loss, mental health

My night and also today were difficult. A little past midnight I got the news that my best friend had passed away. This did not come as a surprise to me. I had distanced myself over the past years, because I couldn't see her suffer and die in the way she did. She was beyond helping (which means even though she wanted help, she couldn't actually work things out to get better).

I had to move to another city for work.

After the last time I visited her, I just couldn't do it anymore. She had collapsed in the street and begged me not to call an ambulance. For me this was an extremely triggering situation and it caused me to step away from her for a while and I noticed how bad I was feeling in our relationship. Never did she give me reason to not feel immensely loved, but I couldn't be myself anymore. This was my thing to work through, but I slided more and more into the role of a caregiver, not being able to speak freely or be myself. Feeling more and more helpless, because no matter how hard I tried, nothing helped.

I tried to make sure she knew how much I loved her even after I left and I hope she did.

Still I lost the only person I ever felt deeply loved from.

I tried reaching out to people today, which is much more than I usually do, because I tend to isolate myself, when my mental health gets bad (see my Tumblr for example).

I got support from some people, which I am very, very grateful for. Thank you very much, on case you find yourself in these lines.

I wanted to share that for me, the world got a little darker last night.

This wonderful woman, who got mistreated so badly again and again, that she only lived to be 35. The most loving and caring person I've ever met (who couldn't care for herself, because she never learned it), who couldn't be the teacher she wanted to be so desperately. Who couldn't become the mother she wanted to be so desperately. Who loved life more than anyone I knew, but wasn't allowed to enjoy it and live it freely. Who cannot feel the sun on her face today. Who I really hope was able to see herself through my eyes, even if it was just for a glimpse.

I wished you had met her.

I'm very grateful I was allowed to be by her side for a while. I hope she will forgive me for not staying. It would have killed me. I know that. I know I couldn't stay and yet I feel guilty, feel like I should have given her more of me.

I know her death means, she is not in pain anymore. It means she can sleep without the nightmares. I want to feel that she is finally free. But right now it feels as if the part of me she's taking with her is so big, I might lose myself.

[merakiui]

damn-- you weren't kidding when you said you're gonna make Azul suffer for being difficult in his masquerade banner (⊙_⊙;) I had to run my head through cold water after reading this one, and i still couldn't properly form the words to express how i'm really feeling sadhgjkfjkl-- maybe after my next reread I will!

Anyway! All I can say for now is i am OBSESSED and clingy and co-dependent Azul has moved up on my list of my favorite kind of Azul <3 And gosh, Mera! You have been COOKIN PLENTY haven't you??? with Eden and His Blueberry Eyes, you're treating us 💞💞

AAAAAAA I FEEL SO CRUEL...... T_T but I'm also immensely satisfied because I never thought I would finish this fic! HBE was actually a story I started writing in June with the intention of describing the depth of Azul's eyes while also writing about a scenario in which he may accidentally/intentionally kill his darling. It's such a sad premise because Reader and Azul had such a cute dynamic in the beginning. They were living such a sweet, comfortable life, but it was doomed from the start because Azul has always been obsessive like that. ;;;; I didn't think I would ever return to it, but vengeance truly did light such a strong flame in me. >_<

I hope it was a very sad read. I kept listening to this song while writing it because it suits the story so well! AAAA I'm so happy you can like this version of Azul! He's so scary and so unhinged. He will find his happy end in prison. (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

But omg yes I have been cooking a lot lately!!!! ᕙ( •̀ ᗜ •́ )ᕗ this is what happens when I finish two uni projects LOL. I have to reward myself with writing fanfic hehe. <3 I'm glad you enjoyed both Eden and HBE!!!!!! Now the next big meal I will continue cooking..... TMDG hehehe!!! >:)